


Beside you (right when the storm comes through)

by baeconandeggs, maaldreva



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Brief mention of depression, Domestic, Drama, Family, M/M, Minor Character Death, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-24
Updated: 2018-05-24
Packaged: 2019-05-13 08:48:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 24,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14745674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baeconandeggs/pseuds/baeconandeggs, https://archiveofourown.org/users/maaldreva/pseuds/maaldreva
Summary: Baekhyun wanted a home, but Chanyeol didn't think he could give him another when he had ruined one.





	Beside you (right when the storm comes through)

**Author's Note:**

> **Prompt #:** BAE332  
>  **Disclaimer: baeconandeggs/the mods is/are not the author/s of this story. Authors will be credited and tagged after reveals.** The celebrities' names/images are merely borrowed and do not represent who the celebrities are in real life. No offense is intended towards them, their families or friends. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this fictional work. No copyright infringement is intended.
> 
> **Author's Note:** I'm so happy I was able to finish this even though I didn't think I would claim a prompt even until the first BAE check-in. But then, two of my bestest Chanbaek buddies, my biggest supporters, my first readers, W and L, made me join and write and experience all of the writing euphoria once again! Thank you, dearies, you know how much I love you both and highkey want you to write again!  <3  
> I asked my beta slash friend from the previous ficfest to help me with my BAE entry and I couldn't be more happier when she said yes! To my precious G, thanks for helping me get rid of my errors and making me find another beta and friend! I owe you twice hehehe <3  
> Of course, nice to have met you, J, my sweetest beta who came to me when I needed someone to check on my fic the most! Even though we only had 2 weeks to know each other, with the last three days to finally give the last touch to my fic, I was so thankful I found you. Thanks for also giving me suggestions and comments <3  
> To the mods, I don't have much to say to you guys for being simply amazing because you have made this so far, moderating the largest platform for us, Baekhyun/Chanyeol shippers, to meet and share our fondness for the duo, our frenzy in writing about them. You guys are so kind and patient in responding to our asks, requests, even complaints wow. May this ficfest get bigger in number of participants each year, and of course, more authors receiving loves and more readers leaving comments in each and every fic posted! <3  
> Very special thanks to a lovely writer I found on Twitter, who always sent me her nice, encouraging words through DM in every kind of situation, even when I was struggling with my BAE and my life. To my beloved K, even though you’re so far away we would probably never meet in person, I still would love to dream about your hugs and cakes! <3  
> Last but not least, to all readers who clicked the link and craved for a domestic flick, you're on the right boat! And you, the prompter who may have anticipated this the most, hope you like how I turned out your cute prompt <333

Baekhyun’s hand reached for the space beside him, feeling the crumples under his fingers. He let out a soft sigh before opening his eyes, blinking away the blurred lines of the dark ceiling, sliding under the blanket to hide his bare skin. A faint smell of morning breeze seeped in through the slightly opened window, drizzles making music on the glass. The smell of his husband’s honey pancake trickled on his nose, chasing the remnants of his sleep away.

It had been raining hard since last night, when Chanyeol started tracing his neck with little kisses, bringing him by the thighs when he whined to be carried, missing his tall spouse more than anything. They made love under the pitter patter of the crying sky, whispers sounding so clear between the grumbles of night. Baekhyun remembered passing out on Chanyeol’s soft snores and his long leg holding them together.

Baekhyun turned and lay on his side, burying his head. His toes curled, playing with the hem of the blanket, trying to cover his exposed calf when he shivered to the air. The blinking light on top of his phone was the first thing he noticed, but went ignored. Then a table clock flashing 06:23, a glass of water, his husband’s reading glasses that lay carelessly on top of the nightstand, but his eyes wandered further.

Baekhyun stilled when he caught a photo figure at the edge of the desk, the corners of his lips upturned. Encased by the carved soft brown of wood, he stood there with his husband, laughing, together with a small girl in his arms. They all looked elated, the girl even almost jumping. She had this bright smile on her face looking smaller than his already small one. Chanyeol was showing his teeth, fighting his pout away when the girl chose to be carried by his smaller husband as they took that photo.

It was the vivid memory that made him finally put away his blanket and clothed himself in his husband’s shirt and pair of boxers. Baekhyun took the glass Chanyeol had prepared and finished half of its content before walking outside their bedroom. He scratched his scalp as he opened the door, steps breaking the silence and the dim of their small house. The sound of rain blocked his hearing, and he walked faster to the kitchen.

Baekhyun was greeted by Chanyeol’s bare back, momentarily stopping him in his tracks. He never really understood how Chanyeol was able to withstand the cold morning air. Even in the rain, with the temperature dropping lower than usual, Chanyeol still preferred to walk around the house shirtless. His upper body exposed for Baekhyun to feast on.

“You’re awake, B.” Baekhyun laughed softly at the teasing tone, before half running to his husband’s side.

“What is my husband doing now?”

Baekhyun heard the other scoff as he hugged the taller from behind. The natural scent of Chanyeol and his smell from the night filled Baekhyun’s senses, making him lean into his husband’s wide shoulder. 

“Spoiling you. What else am I expert at?” Came his answer.

Baekhyun was spoiled, yes, and that he was grateful for. He, too, was grateful that Chanyeol complied with his request of coming to the adoption house with him this morning. But seeing the weather outside, they might have to postpone their visit to the adoption house. Baekhyun needed to make sure, so he kissed the exposed skin near his lips before asking, “Are we still going today?”

Whatever Chanyeol was doing with his pancakes, the grit of a bottle being opened, stopped. Baekhyun could not see Chanyeol’s expression but he felt a squeeze on his clasped hands around the other’s torso. Baekhyun didn’t let go, only tightening the wire of his fingers. The warmth of Chanyeol’s body started to sink in when Baekhyun finally got his response through the bigger hands covering his, making the softest squeeze possible.

He kissed the same spot once more before the taller spun around without breaking his hold. Baekhyun received nothing but a kiss, deep on his lips. Morning breath be damned. Baekhyun hummed blissfully as those lips caught his, melding his earlier dry lips to their fresh looking condition. Chanyeol’s hands trailed down his side before grabbing his waist, pulling him against his body. Chanyeol kissed him again before he could even complain, softer this time, just a little bit above his mole.

“Yes, B, we’re going once the rain stops.”

Baekhyun lit up, hands holding Chanyeol’s smiling face to pull the other down, giving him a boop on his nose.

 

~~~~~

 

Chanyeol felt wonderful, as if looking at Baekhyun for the first time, feeling warmth bursting through his entire system. Baekhyun with kids was always his favorite, a sight he wanted to behold on his mind. Baekhyun shone the brightest when he was with kids, Chanyeol admitted, and he had to say that he was the best in handling those small bunch of jumping and screaming bundles that he himself used to dislike –or never knew how to deal with. Then Baekhyun came, showing him colors in his hazy perspective, taking him to fully understand what love actually was. It was difficult, to say the least, but it was the most beautiful when it brought his heart alive, more when Baekhyun was in it, when Baekhyun was happy in it. Chanyeol knew Baekhyun was always thrilled with the idea of having children under their names, living and loving as a family. Now he had held into that vow that he would always put first his husband’s happiness, so he brought Baekhyun here.

The adoption house was not close to their home. It took some time for Chanyeol to process all Baekhyun’s chirp in one sitting, listening while focusing on the road and making sure that he didn’t overrun any red lights. Chanyeol only nodded, laughed with his smaller husband, sometimes squeezed his hand when Baekhyun started talking comically, one time stole a light kiss on the cheek when Baekhyun demanded that him to answer his serious question of the gender of the baby he would like to adopt. Chanyeol knew it was only the excitement exploding when Baekhyun asked him the same question again. Chanyeol, once again, only answered with any baby that opened up their hearts at the first sight, but Baekhyun hinted that he wanted a baby boy this time.

Chanyeol did not say anything when he pulled up at the parking area. An atmosphere of hospitality, green, red, yellow and blue adorning the walls, laughter and roar of joy welcomed them when they finally stepped in.

A lady with a ponytail, looking not more than 30 years, smiled at them with a baby in one arm, another arm spreading out as a sign of warm greeting. Baekhyun moved closer, almost jumping, flashing the lady a smile before leaning down to coo at the baby, forefinger caressing the plump cheek. Chanyeol only watched the pleasant view with much affection, placing his arm around his husband’s shoulders when he caught the lady looking at them tenderly, smiling.

“Welcome to _Diamond Bells_ , Gentlemen. You want to look around?”

Baekhyun was startled at the question, but fast regaining his sense and back to the lady after leaving a deep sniff on the baby’s hair. The baby’s eyes glinted at Baekhyun’s action before hiding her face on the lady’s neck. Chanyeol almost squealed himself when he heard her cute squeak muffled, and Baekhyun’s hand pressing his upper arm to maintain his composure.

“Yes, please, can we go now? I cannot wait!”

Baekhyun’s voice sounded high, and Chanyeol knew he was beyond excited, thrilled to meet these children playing around, some of them looking at them curiously. Chanyeol laughed at this. He really wanted to kiss those lips and bury his radiant face on his chest. He was lovely looking this bright.

“Oh, I forgot, I’m Jang Subin, the owner of this place,” She looked at the two men expectantly.

“I’m Park Chanyeol, this is my husband Byun Baekhyun. He loves kids very much.”

Chanyeol laughed softly seeing Baekhyun not even trying to hide the obvious. He, too, was sure that this Subin could see the same thing. The lady looked at the baby in his arms, then to Baekhyun who was making faces at her. Chanyeol saw her smile, albeit shyly, and her little chubby arm was taken waving to the air. “Hello, uncle Baekhyun, my name is Lilah.” Subin said, impersonating a baby sound as the little girl let out a playful screech when Baekhyun responded with the same high-pitched voice of his.

“Lilah, what a beautiful name.” Murmured Chanyeol, that went noticed by the owner of the house.

But before Subin could give her reaction, a boy with the height of his waist was tugging on Baekhyun’s pants. Chanyeol eyed him with an encouraging smile, and the boy was quick to bow his head, trying to hide his face from Chanyeol’s stare. His hand stayed, though, tugging on the same fabric in his fist, face looking up at Baekhyun’s surprised face followed by a loving smile. The boy seemed flustered, and Chanyeol almost cackled when his tall feature had a completely different effect on the boy –and he was wearing all black except the white shirt underneath his long coat today.

Baekhyun was indeed very good with children. More, when he had this magic in him that could pull everyone in, no exception of this boy, who was shyly looking up at him, now taking Baekhyun’s reaching hand. Chanyeol looked at them in awe, completely proud of his husband when he was circled by bunch of little boys at the corner of the room not long after. This view in front of him was real, making him fall all over again. Seeing Baekhyun laughing along with the kids, animatedly storytelling to the watching group, having a smallest boy out of them in his arms, this all made him know what happiness really was –what love really was, when Baekhyun smiled at him once in a while, showing that he was happy.

And Chanyeol never planned to snatch that happiness away from him.

Except, he was afraid that he would really do that when he looked at those children laughing in utter happiness, the boy clinging to Baekhyun and sometimes playing with his light brown hair, amazed. Chanyeol did not know what he expected his heart would tell him when Baekhyun reacted by kissing the boy on the cheek. He just did not want to mess things up for the second time.

 

~~~~~

 

Baekhyun was shoving his stationary into his backpack, situating the white drawing papers so that they weren’t folded when tucked under his arms, when his one of his colleagues tapped him on his shoulder, sitting himself on his chair. The shorter man looked up at him, and Baekhyun knew he was reading him from his position, seemingly guessing what made him smile a lot today. Junmyeon must have known why, but he just needed to make sure as the children complimented his teaching today (Baekhyun was the friendliest teacher with the sweetest face –those children claimed- but today seemed a bit too much and Baekhyun heard two of them narrated his whole expression the whole day when he passed Junmyeon’s class).

“So, those kids told me you smiled a lot today. Did you meet someone you liked at the adoption house?”

Of course, Junmyeon knew, when he was always the first person, out of all Baekhyun’s friends, he told everything about. He was Baekhyun’s high school friend, who was somehow a messenger between Baekhyun and Chanyeol’s timid approach at the last days of the third year. Junmyeon had always been the person whom Baekhyun could comfortably talk with, be it admitting his feelings towards Chanyeol or sharing his insecurities when the taller never really asked him out. He was his best man during their wedding –he even helped in choosing the best suits for the both of them. So he knew what Baekhyun was up to when Chanyeol agreed on looking for an adoption.

“Yes, Junnie, yes, he was so cute, like, you’ll love him when you see him.” His eyes twinkled at the image of the little boy he rested his eyes upon. Baekhyun would perhaps bring Junmyeon along when the next time he visited the boy.

“I’m glad to hear that, Baek. What did Chanyeol think about him?”

His voice sounded curious, but Baekhyun could pick up a hint of hesitation in it. He gave him a quick glance before looking his way down back to his backpack, zipping it close, smiling even blindingly at his friend.

“Of course, he fell for him too. I think he has loved him for sure.”

Junmyeon smiled, “So when will they call you up for the update? I mean they should right-“

“Oh Dear, Junnie! They will call me today! Wait,” Baekhyun twisted his head to look around for the clock hanging in the room. He was too excited that he did not notice the quiet female teacher watching him with amusement. He himself could feel his body bubbling from inside that he literally jumped on his toes. “Junnie, Oh, Junnie, they will call me in an hour! They said around 2 or 3 in the afternoon so I need to prepare myself.”

Baekhyun slung his bag on his shoulder, saying goodbye with so much refrain in himself not to let out a squeal. He smiled to the bowing female teacher that just got into the kindergarten the previous day; thus he hadn’t caught her name yet.

“Send my greetings to Chanyeol!” Junmyeon called out just before he could step out the teacher’s room.

 

Baekhyun took a shower as soon as he reached home. He sat on the couch and scrolled through his phone as he patiently wait to receive a call from _Subin - Diamond Bells._ He already sent a message to his husband that he was waiting for the call and that he was so excited. Baekhyun was sure, despite the lack of reply from Chanyeol, that the latter was waiting for the news as well.

He remembered when he brought Chanyeol to play with the hoarding of boys outside the orphanage. He found his husband talking to the small boy on his lap, crayons on his hands. He was standing there behind the door, not able to hide his smile at their cute interaction. Baekhyun was so into the scene that he forgot to fish out his phone to take a photo of them. But he was still happy to be able to capture the image of the smiles they had with his own eyes and save it in his heart, the younger boy looked so small in Chanyeol’s embrace ~~,~~ Baekhyun fell in love at that time.

He was too indulged in the picture that he missed the glint of fear in Chanyeol’s eyes.

And when Baekhyun finally received the call, he picked up without any falter, lips curved up a bright, bright smile. The thought of Chanyeol tugging at his arm at the adoption house, seemingly wanted to express his doubt, was put away at the back of his mind.

 

~~~~~

 

Chanyeol embraced his smaller husband first thing when he reached home, walking through the door to the man snuggling his way on his chest. Fatigue slowly crept into him, yet he felt like he had just released whatever was weighing on his shoulders once he scented the bold smell of baby powder, reminding him much of one of the lovely traits of Baekhyun. That head looked up just after he locked the door, eyes searching for his face. Chanyeol knew he was being read thoroughly for the lack of smile on his face, for the look of strain evident in his eyes. He knew Baekhyun had so many questions; one must be about his absence for the whole day.

“You look tired, Yeol. Want me to prepare a warm bath for you?”

But, he didn’t ask what Chanyeol had imagined. He looked worried, and Chanyeol had to hold back his sorry for avoiding him well since the afternoon. Chanyeol restrained a smile instead, stealing a kiss on his forehead with a chuckle that he himself flinched to. He couldn’t even hide his feelings well.

“Can I have hot tea first? I don’t feel well.”

Baekhyun’s tensed shoulder sagged down to relief, he noticed, as he let out a breath he had been holding waiting for his response. The smaller only chuckled, blinking his eyes a few times before detaching himself to prepare what his husband just asked. Chanyeol eyed Baekhyun’s pace, carefully walking to the kitchen and following closely behind. The atmosphere was heavy as he took a seat, eyes still locking to his husband’s view, as if Baekhyun would go and make him even smaller without any brace holding him upright. When Baekhyun placed his cup and took a seat beside him, he faltered, unsure what to do next as those eyes were back swimming with doubt, hurt. Chanyeol never meant to see hurt in those eyes but he admitted he had just hurt the one he cared so much about, and he knew Baekhyun knew why.

“The adoption house called, Yeol.” He started, and Chanyeol felt his breath hitch. He could feel his hands trembling before a soft touch enveloped his bigger hand. “But I didn’t say okay yet.” His smile was soft, his eyes completely understanding his situation, his questioning eyes when he could not manage letting a word out.

“Have a sip first, babe, this will get cold.”

That smile again, and that hand now taking the cup and ushering him to take a sip by having it close to his lips. Chanyeol reached up a hand and replaced the other’s grip and held it in his clutch. He desperately was trying to hold onto it, having it close to his heart, asking for forgiveness. He should’ve replied to Baekhyun’s text this afternoon, he should’ve been elated too that the adoption house called and probably had something to confirm, maybe an invitation to sign some documents and make the baby as theirs. But all he did was made himself invisible at his own bubble of space, having these frightening thoughts that he had buried but suddenly came back. Just by a single text from Baekhyun, he turned off his phone, closing his own heart to listen to his own reprimand.

Baekhyun remained silent, but he, on the other hand, is being a coward for letting him down. Chanyeol felt like breaking down, exposing his most vulnerable mind to the other, that he sobbed his sorry while clutching on Baekhyun’s hand.

“I’m so sorry, B. I’m sorry.”

But Baekhyun did not let him speak further as he stood up, hand still cradling his, and brought his head to his upper stomach. Chanyeol could feel the softness of Baekhyun’s touch on his hair, fingers brushing his scalp so gently. Then, he heard a hum above his head, a murmur of “it’s okay” bringing his head up to look into those eyes. There was still an apparent sadness, but also there was honesty, a quiet conviction that he was fine. Chanyeol was grateful, but he would never want to see that grief marring Baekhyun’s face. Baekhyun was not at fault, he was.

“Baek, you want it. You want him.” His mouth went dry all of a sudden. He swallowed back a whimper of protest as he said that himself, trying to convince himself that _he_ wanted this as well, _he_ wanted to adopt the boy.

“You’re my husband, Yeol. I need you to want him too. He also needs you too, not only me.”

There was not a single lie in Baekhyun’s words. Adopting a baby could be done by a single person, but not a married man. They needed up votes for every need, for every love the child deserved. It could not only be Baekhyun tending to their child alone, giving him his whole heart and attention when it should be Chanyeol’s work too, together. The child would also need him, his presence as another father, his role as the other parent, his audacity to call them his child, lawfully and socially. But his heart thumped painfully when Baekhyun reminded him that they would know soon, this afternoon. He could feel invisible hands tightening around his lungs as he read the message, his brain screaming at him, reminding him that he was never a good father.

 

_You won’t be able to take care of him._

_You will kill him too._

_You will make Baekhyun suffer again._

 

His brain was right for making his sense come back to him before it was too late. Baekhyun was also right for letting him know; he didn’t mean anything but asking for his affirmation too. He, however, was at fault. It had always been his fault.

“I’m sorry for saying yes, B. You asked me if we could adopt another child and I said yes, but- but I was not ready. I’m not ready, Baek, I’m not.”

“You said yes many times, remember? I should’ve known.”

He said yes when Baekhyun asked so nicely of him, telling him that he wanted to give it another try. He said yes when Baekhyun whispered his longing for having a child, listening to their cries, their babbles. He said yes when Baekhyun showed him the ad on the internet, seeking for his agreement of the most desirable place they would visit to. He said yes to Baekhyun’s happiness, his scream of glee, his beautiful face beaming with full ecstaticity, but not to his heart.

“Can we try later?” He asked instead, feeling his eyes blurring when looking at those eyes. He wished they had not been in this situation.

Baekhyun cupped his face with both of his hands, thumbs caressing his cheeks. He let out a sigh when he found nothing to say. Just before a single tear roll down his cheek, Baekhyun leaned on his face, placing his lips on top of his eyelid. Chanyeol could not stop the tears then. He was crying, more when he saw unshed tears brimming Baekhyun’s supposedly bright eyes. Baekhyun said nothing, only hugging him like a child, burying his shaking head further on his stomach.

“I will wait, Yeol, we can wait.”

“But I’m afraid, B.”

His voice was broken, only to be hushed down by his husband.

“It’s okay, baby, it’s okay. I get it. I will tell Subin that we need time.”

_I need time, B, you don’t. I’m sorry._

No words were exchanged this time, leaving Baekhyun soothing his cry in the middle of the night. His tea had become cold, forgotten, as Baekhyun brought him to their bedroom. He fell asleep on Baekhyun’s kiss on his lips and a whisper of love. He didn’t miss any of them, making sure that he remembered all of them in the morning. But the one that kept bugging him in his sleep was “You need to forgive yourself, Yeol.”, and he let another slip of tear wet Baekhyun’s hair.

 

~~~~~

 

_“Baekhyun, baby, open the door, please?”_

_Chanyeol had been standing over the bathroom door, softly knocking on the door when he could clearly hear a shuffle inside, something being put down along with rushed steps, then a sniff. Another sniff and a deep exhale made him bite his lower lip, fisting at his own shirt. Chanyeol wanted to cry badly, for hurting Baekhyun, for only knowing this habit Baekhyun did whenever a nightmare crept while he was sleeping soundly. His heart told him that Baekhyun had been doing this alone, crying his heart out at night so that he wouldn’t upset his husband._

_“Baek, I know what you’re doing in there so talk to—“_

_“Hold on, Yeol, I’m coming.” The muffled voice wavered at the end, then a sniff being held down._

_He knew how this started happening, why Baekhyun let himself suffer without telling him. Baekhyun always welcomed him home, a hug and a kiss followed, although sometimes he felt them shake on his skin. But Baekhyun screamed at night, cursing his life, blaming himself for what had felt upon them, when he should have long blamed_ him _._

_The door opened, showing his smaller husband looking so tired. “You’re awake, Yeol?”_

_Baekhyun attempted a smile, but his red eyes proved how much he had been crying._

_“Baekhyun..”_

_“I’m sorry I woke you up, babe. I was just— uh, having cramps so I had to go. I didn’t realize that I made so many noises that you had to get off the bed.” He cracked a laugh, but it sounded bitter as he ended it with a quiet sob._

_Chanyeol could buy it right, if Baekhyun looked into his eyes as he was trying to explain his excuse, not avoiding his eyes. More, if he didn’t see the sickeningly familiar photo figure lying upside down on top of the glass counter on the sink. That was the last straw before Chanyeol took him in his arms, finally realizing that Baekhyun was not only mourning alone; he took_ their daughter _with him._

_“You should’ve come to me, you should’ve cried with me. I’m sorry I didn’t know that you’ve been crying alone, B. Don’t be in pain alone, B, take me with you.” Chanyeol plead onto his shoulder, finding a place for his lips to brush the skin in comfort. He was holding tightly onto Baekhyun, fearing that he would fall apart_

_“Chanyeol, hold me.” A painful sob finally raked through Baekhyun’s body, hard, that Chanyeol himself felt his body shiver along with his._

_Baekhyun’s cry dissipated, replaced by a painful sound of hiccups, just when Chanyeol lifted him up by the lower thighs. Those arms automatically circled around his neck, wiring his hold on each of his arms. His legs found their place hanging on his waist too, like a child would cling on one’s embrace when getting carried. Chanyeol took them on their bed, one leg keeping straight on the floor, one leg folded behind Baekhyun, still sticking to his front. He heaved himself leaning on the headboard as Baekhyun tried to regain his breath. Chanyeol’s one hand moved to Baekhyun’s back, stroking a small movement up and down. He kissed the latter’s head in every sob released, until it turned softer and his breath became even._

_Baekhyun shifted his position on Chanyeol’s lap, resting his body fully to the other, before whispering on his chest, “You shouldn’t have found me.”_

_Chanyeol was taken aback. His husband’s every problem was his too. And this was even their problem._

_“I should’ve found you sooner, B. Without you telling me, I know that you’ve been doing this every night, and I don’t get why you chose to not bother me when you were always there for me when I was in the same state.”_

_Baekhyun sighed, changed where he was seated before looking at him, grabbing his hand. “You have moved on, Yeol, that is why. This is my turn to mourn over her, but I don’t want to tag you along with my sorrow.”_

_Chanyeol’s expression turned hurt at his words, not by the fact that he should have moved on, but Baekhyun was mourning now and decided not to tell him even though he needed him. He should need Chanyeol as his full support system, just like he was to him before._

_“I should have. But how could I move on when you’re not, B?”_

_Baekhyun shook his head, placing his bigger palm under his damp cheek. His hand cradled on top of Chanyeol’s. “I have. I just missed her. I miss her so much everyday, Yeol.”_

_“But you should’ve let me in. I was the one who made you like this. I was the one who failed keeping her safe—“ He saw Baekhyun shook his head, but he continued, “She would still be here if I had—“_

_“No, Yeol, no.” Baekhyun put his hand at the back of his head, making him stop with his frantic apology when their foreheads met. “We agreed not to talk about this anymore, who was to blame, who was at fault. I told you many times it wasn’t your fault, okay?”_

_Chanyeol did not give him a response Baekhyun wanted, but he exhaled a deep breath, closing his eyes. The memories of them and their daughter came rushing in, making him shudder at the thought that she_ should _still be here. “I’m sorry for making you suffer, B.” He held back a cry, trying to rip his defence out of his body._

_“I’m not.” He seemed to put an end to their late night conversation, sighing, but keeping himself close. “I will suffer if I’m not with you, so please hold me still.”_

 

~~~~~

 

Baekhyun was falling, again, seeing the boy up and down with a bright smile everyone would turn into. He was feeling fidgety at first, waiting for the boy who managed to snatch his whole attention since his and Chanyeol’s first and second visit, but at the same time, delightful. He came here to bring the news. It was not a happy one, as Subin looked at him unsure, but he made the house sure that he would come regularly to visit the kids and especially one boy.

The boy’s name was Daejung. He stared at him from the back of Subin’s thigh and put a shy smile when he recognized Baekhyun from the last week. Baekhyun stepped closer, bending his knees a bit with an assuring smile. He didn’t need another moment before a blow of soft strands tickling his face made him chuckle. Small arms found their place around his waist and Baekhyun could not help kissing the top of the bouncing head giggling on his neck. He was underlined happy, and seeing this boy smile and laugh at his presence, he was beyond cloud nine. It felt like he had just found another piece of his heart missing.

Looking down at the boy, Baekhyun caught a pair of big eyes that begged to be carried. The same eyes made him coo, before lifting him up and hurling him onto his waist. He let out a surprised gasp as Daejung lunged, almost jumping, in his sling with a mewl. Baekhyun laughed at this. He kissed Daejung on the cheek with loud smooching sound.

“Daejung asked about you many times. I guess, he has taken a liking of you and Chanyeol since the first day.”

Baekhyun nodded at Subin and laughed when Daejung seemed to acknowledge that he was being exposed for asking about them. It was a cute gesture when he hurriedly buried his small face on the crook of Baekhyun’s neck when his name was mentioned.

“Ah, our Daejung-ie missed me so much, huh?” He teased the boy by blowing on his hair, “Ah so happy that I’ve been missed by the cutest boy in this house!” Baekhyun stopped giggled and feigned a surprised look when Daejung looked at him expectantly.

“Daejung-ie...cute?” The boy whispered, and Baekhyun crunched his face in adoration.

“Yes, yes, Daejung-ie is the cutest, isn’t he?”

What he got as a response was merely a slight nod and a shy smile followed. Baekhyun then brought him across the room, spoiling his ears by the adorable sounds the more he moved faster. The small playing room was full of giggles of both him and the boy for a while, Daejung still in his hold, seemed like dancing along with him. When Baekhyun seated himself and the boy on the wall-desk beside the window, he finally looked around the room.

It was a small room adorned with colorful paints in every of its side. One side, beside the closed door, was decorated with notes and drawings, stuck up to the big black carton almost covering the wall. Below were some folded tables lining up with stack of papers and reading cards scattering around. Baekhyun also noticed more than two cups of colored pencils on one of the tables. He could tell that this must be one of the classes available for the children under four or five, for enjoying themselves getting creative, also judging by the scribbles and random handprints on the wall to his left. When he was about to ask Subin, he just realized they were alone in this room. He didn’t even see Subin leave them making a bound together, too savoured in the moment.

On the other side of the room were a bunch of plushies. And Baekhyun smiled when he caught a small back struggle to pick up the biggest chocolate bear out of them, with one head already occupied with a small pink bunny. Baekhyun laughed in amusement, watching the boy fall on his bum after the second attempt.

Daejung was barely three, born in the same month as him. Subin told them this with a tease, saying that this might be fate. He was small in built, smaller than his age. He had big eyes and long lashes, very fair skin, chubby cheeks and a pair of pouty lips. Chanyeol told him too, that Daejung reminded him a lot of Baekhyun, cue the cheery lips either curving in a beautiful smile or protruding in a sulky expression. Baekhyun wouldn’t deny, this might be fate that met them together for they both hit it off from the first sight.

A plush of brown dog resembling a corgi was suddenly pushed down on his lap. Daejung murmured something he could not catch up before taking a seat before him, staring at the plushie then at him.

“You. Dog. Same.” Daejung pointed a hesitant finger at him and the plush he just handed. His seemingly favourite bunny was safely tucked in his arm.

Baekhyun chuckled, hand reaching around the small of Daejung’s back, pushing him forward slightly so their thighs touched. “We look alike?” He made sure, bringing the plush closer to his face.

The boy nodded enthusiastically. “Daejung-ie like dog.”

Daejung was a shy boy; he opts for playing with his own plush rather than opening up to every boy that tried to play with him. That was one of the reasons why he was lacking words, sometimes only nodding or shaking his head when responding to someone. But both Baekhyun and Chanyeol was entranced by his shy antics. He was utterly adorable for the people to see. Daejung just needed a little push so he could express more of his feelings—Baekhyun decided when he learned about the small boy.

“I like dogs too, Daejung-ie.” He answered, “I like Daejung-ie.”

His face lit up at this, body bending to his front to have the bunny squeezed between him and Baekhyun’s thigh. “Daejung-ie like Mr. Byun!”

Baekhyun felt like tearing up. He adjusted his sitting and carried the boy onto his lap, facing him. Daejung looked up at him. He seemed to know what was the motive behind Baekhyun’s teary eyes yet joyful expression because he smiled so wide at him, once again hugging him with those small arms.

“Daejung-ie likes Mr. Park too?”

Recognizing the name immediately, Daejung bounced on his lap. “Yes, yes!”

The enthusiasm in his voice, the honesty in those eyes made Baekhyun completely fall for the boy. He said he liked them both, so they had a chance. He had prayed for this to happen back then when they were about to visit this place, hoping that the child they loved would like to have them around, better as their parents. And this happened. Baekhyun couldn’t put his feelings into words, neither could he wait to tell this to Chanyeol.

The thought left a bitter taste in his mouth, but he believed that Chanyeol would love to hear this piece of information. The other adored Daejung too, after all.

“Daejung-ie,” Baekhyun brought the boy a little bit away from his embrace. Daejung stared at him curiously. “I and Mr. Park would love to have you in our house, but you have to wait, okay, dear? When the right time comes, we will bring you with us and I can see you everyday. Will you like it?”

Baekhyun tried his best to form his words for the boy to process his sentences. He kept his smile bright with a little hope that Daejung would like his idea. And right, Daejung finally smiled at him and nodded once again. But his expression quickly changed to a hesitant one, Baekhyun waited for him to talk.

“My bunny and this doggie come too?”

Baekhyun only hugged him and gave him kisses on his cheeks, alternately, putting much love in every blow. Daejung whined but didn’t pull away. When their eyes met once again, Baekhyun handed Mr. Doggie to his other hand, then he crushed the boy with the two dolls in between.

“Of course, Daejung-ie, you can bring them with you.”

_Soon, baby, soon._

 

~~~~~

 

Chanyeol let memories of his childhood sink into the back of his eyes as he stepped into the place where he grew up. It was not until he was married did he move out of the house. There were, of course, lots of memories to recall and cherish on for he had spent more than half of his life here. However, he failed to remember that he should have visited his parents, one of many things he committed to when he finally had his own family, marrying the love of his young life in the form of their parents’ most treasured fondness. It was Baekhyun who reminded him that they should visit his parents some time.

The last time he meddled his own business to this house was almost a year ago, the time where he started finding himself again, after a long journey of meditation; going some places he discovered peace and cure. The house, as what he had predicted, didn’t change a bit. Except for the number of small plants and flowerpots adorning the front porch and swinging on the walls which only grew more in number every time he came over. It was the love of his mother to the beauty of greens and flowers that he remembered had been there since he was born.

He felt a nudge on his side as the hand holding on his arm lost his grip and what he could see was the back of his husband engulfing the slightly smaller person running after them. Yoora was the first one greeting him, but she was not here for her brother, as usual.

“Baekhyunnie, long time no see, dear. How are you?”

Chanyeol snorted. If he hadn’t been familiar with his older sister’s antics when she was meeting Baekhyun, he would’ve long gone sulked over his replacement.

“Noona!” Baekhyun’s smile, once again, brightened up the day and the murkiness Chanyeol had been feeling. It also affected his own face to spread a smile. “I’m fine, how about you? Are Mommy and Daddy good?”

“Yes, they’re preparing your favorite food right now.” Yoora gave the last squeeze on Baekhyun’s arms before turning to him. “Park Chanyeol! I missed you, brother, really.” She fakes a cry while throwing herself at him, finally giving a hug he deserved as her brother.

“Noona, what time did you get here?” Chanyeol asked after their quick hug, getting a playful pinch on his waist.

“I told you to come faster, didn’t I? I’ve been here for almost an hour and they kept asking me about you, saying that I didn’t ask you along.” She chuckled, and then her face turned into something mischievous. “Don’t tell me you took long because you decided to play around first? Ah, I don’t have anyone yet so I don’t know how it feels to mess up before an important meeting.” She continued, wiggling her eyebrows playfully. Chanyeol was used to having her teasing them both, but she pitying herself at her hollow love life never failed to amuse him.

After another pinch on his arm and a beautiful laugh from Baekhyun, they both were finally ushered to the kitchen.

His parents just looked the same, if not glowing as their eyes lit up while screaming their names. His mother took off her mitten, rushed to his front and brought him into a tight hug. She still scented like his favorite flower, with a hint of cinnamon and vanilla, from her apron and the cake she just baked. From his peripheral vision, Baekhyun was talking comically with his father and the older’s way of looking to his husband told him that he had found the best, both for himself and his family. The same feelings went off when his mother pecked Baekhyun on the cheek; the pink tinted his cheek made him smile proudly. Even after all these 7 years, the charm emitted by his warm smile and bright attitude always gained love from his family.

Chanyeol straightened his back when his father stood by him, studying his face. Just before he bowed to the older man, a crushing hug welcomed him first, followed by a gentle stroke on his back. A ruffle on his hair and a light smile was what his father sported which made him really feel welcomed, but unfortunately turned the blooming happiness inside to a pinch in his heart.

He had thought about this, many times. Having a kid, _another one_ , to make them a full family with a child or two to take care of. He surely wanted it, but his heart refused—fear defeating his own desire. Seeing his whole family happily chatting, only made his stomach churn nervously.

“Let’s finish all of what I prepared, kids,” His mother’s cheery voice slightly put him at ease, urging him to gift her his best smile. So he did, as she led him to the dining table and the rest towed behind.

 

 

Chanyeol almost forgot that his family knew about their decision of adding another member to their little family. He was completely lost for a moment at the questions his father was throwing at him about his work and his mother’s talk about her own cooking and her new plants collection. Baekhyun, too, was immersed in exposing their marriage life, telling the whole table that they just went back from having their fourth honeymoon, then about his work place that would have a trip with the children. Chanyeol was laughing along the jokes Yoora threw occasionally, hinting here and there that some guys were hitting on her but she just shrugged them off. He sneered at the older woman, for he understood that Yoora was a new level of a being hard to get person.

Chanyeol was enjoying the desserts when Baekhyun stopped eating, placing his hand on top of his shoulder. His smiling face looked troubled, but he nodded at him assuring, gesturing to his father across him.

The elder gave him a smile seeing his confused face. He seemed to understand that he missed his question so he repeated his curiosity.

“What about your plan about the adoption house? I heard that you were going last month, or, three months ago? There should be good news!”

Of course, it would be about that. They knew that they were planning to adopt a baby. He was ecstatic about it, at first, telling his parents that they should be ready of another baby. Baekhyun was more than frenzy spreading the news to Yoora by phone. What they all knew was that they were adopting a baby, or at least following up the process of the adoption, yet here he was, hiding himself from the thought of taking care of a baby.

Chanyeol avoided his father’s stare and put down his utensils, suddenly feeling his appetite go away at the expectant gaze of his mother and his sister. Silence hung low and enveloped the room before Baekhyun cleared his throat, taking his hand below the table.

“Um, Dad, about that, we went to the adoption house—“

“We haven’t decided yet, Dad,” Chanyeol cut Baekhyun’s words, “We have seen the place twice and I think it was a nice place to visit, I mean, so many children. We fell in love with a baby boy,” He turned to Baekhyun who gave him a squeeze on his hand, tightening their interlacing hands and bringing them on his lap. Chanyeol sighed and continued, “I’m sure you’ll love him too, but we need some time to get used to him. Um, for him to get used to us first and then we can adopt him.”

The eyes scanning his whole face and fidgety frame made him uncomfortable, feeling those stares judging him for something that he didn’t do wrong. At least for him, he was trying really hard, because he wanted to. But they didn’t know that he was still on the stage of trying, for all this while everyone thought that he had passed that phase. What they knew was that he was starting from the beginning again, with Baekhyun leading him on their path, to this road of happiness in having a child. And Chanyeol was aware of it, that they expected something big of him: a chance to open up again, to be another person willing to try.

But what he gained was not in his thoughts at all. It was a gentle touch on top of his balled hand and concerned eyes of a mother, asking for his honesty, not his dignity.

“Is there something wrong, Son? Something that you didn’t tell us?”

Chanyeol wished he could just say yes, that he was asking for a hand again. He wanted to say that he still needed help to overcome his fear, to forgive himself.

“Nothing, Mom, we’re still just waiting for the right time.” He muttered.

His father frowned, “But I thought the procedure was clear? You choose a child, they will proceed with the documents, ask them to come again and go back home with the kid? And they will be under your care immediately?”

By the tone of his voice and deep creases on his forehead, his father was genuinely confused. But he seemed not to catch the situation yet as his wife slightly elbowed him on his ribs, earning a hiss but she tended to her son, face contorting in worry. Chanyeol almost missed his father’s guilt expression if not his mother’s grip on his hand, urging him to say more.

This time, Baekhyun took his part.

“Mom, Dad, we will surely proceed this matter, but there is nothing wrong with postponing the adoption. I need Chanyeol to be surely ready so that our child will be taken care of by both of us. If Chanyeol needs time, his wish is my wish too. I can understand. I will support no matter what his decision is.”

It was like Baekhyun talking to him, instead trying to convince his family. Chanyeol felt that pinch again, but this time in relief since he could finally grasp what Baekhyun meant with his secret stares he gave when he thought Chanyeol didn’t look, his sad smiles whenever he told him about Daejung, his declaration of love reminding him every day. In this situation, in many situations where Chanyeol felt like he was lost, Baekhyun was always there to guide him back to his light, show him love whenever he could so that Chanyeol realized that he himself was worth the second chance.

“I’m still not ready yet, so we decided to postpone the process.” He finally admitted, but with much might because Baekhyun was there with him, supporting him with his heart and a hand to hold onto.

Chanyeol had expected an upset look, a sigh of disappointment, but he never assumed that he would get a pleasant response as warm as his father’s smile, his mother’s caress and his sister’s words.

“You’ll be a great father, Yeol, you’ve always been. Always remember that.”

And a thin arm wrapping around his neck, a pair of soft lips brushing his neck, a soft laugh that had long been his lullaby, was also one of them.

He smiled at his family, squeezing his mother’s hand, before turning to Baekhyun. He was never fond of showing affection for naked eyes to see, but he didn’t mind this time, as his heart screamed Baekhyun’s name so loud that he could not contain his feelings. He loved this man and he was not quiet about it. Chanyeol kissed him square on the lips, eyes declaring love. Baekhyun laughed with a lovely color on his cheeks, glancing at the other people in front of him shyly. It was one of those many times that Chanyeol swore he would be a better person for him, the love of his life.

 

~~~~~

 

_Chanyeol didn’t expect those eyes staring at him full of hatred when he came back from buying lunch for himself. Mrs. Byun watched his every move when he stepped inside, giving her a very awkward smile and a quick bow that went ignored. He was certain he saw her roll her eyes too, lips curling into a scoff as he tried to escape the chill of the hospital, or her glare, by keeping eyes on the white marble while opening each of the plastic covering the hospital food ever so slowly._

_He knew it would happen soon, meeting his husband’s mother in such situation that could burn him in any way. Everyone could tell that she hated his whole being, and he never forgot that. Chanyeol was supposed to pass that phase, accepting any cold behaviour she threw at him since the first time she declared that she didn’t like him close to her only son. Chanyeol had been in his worst situation, but he shunned the hostility she acted up with much endurance he had built since. He was okay being hated by the very person who bore his love; Baekhyun was always on his side anyways. It was also Baekhyun who asked him to marry. Not that that thought had never come forward to his list of commitment to Baekhyun, in fact, he had always contemplated marrying him, but he just didn’t want to burden Baekhyun to finally choose his life, with or without his mother._

_So when Baekhyun’s very same mother was meeting him again with greater distaste in her face, Chanyeol should’ve anticipated it, but it still hurt, and his heart clenched painfully at the possible intention she would do to him just to make him stay away from his son, making sure that Baekhyun was not harmed._

_“Are you going to take my son away from me, too? Was it not enough when you took Sunhee from me?”_

_It was not an act, Chanyeol knew it. He could tell by the despair in her voice that she was truly terrified of losing her son. Her trembling voice said it all; her choked sobs affirmed that those questions came from her deepest heart, genuinely from a mother whose lovely son just had been admitted to the hospital. But Chanyeol had his own heart, too. Her words made him bleed, and he felt himself shiver as her voice kept ringing, reminding him of his deed._ Sunhee **...**

_“Mom, please, I’m okay.”_

_Baekhyun’s face looked unamused, looking at his mother before watching Chanyeol standing on the corner, looking so small. His eyes stayed on the hunch of Chanyeol’s shoulders, wither of the seam in his eyes. He wished he could run to his husband and soothe the pain so apparent in the tremble of his hands. Baekhyun wished he could have taken care of himself better, trying for the both of them, not having Chanyeol worrying over him for passing out on him this morning. They both knew he just had so many things in his head that he suffered himself from not eating and resting well, but his mother had to come at this time and make Chanyeol blameworthy in her eyes._

_He knew what Chanyeol was in his mother’s eyes, no matter how much he reasoned out that Chanyeol was nothing but the right person for him. And this frail situation they had been only made it worse._

_“But he let you tire yourself out just because he couldn’t do something right by himself, Baekhyun?”_

_Chanyeol froze in his place, hearing something crack inside him. He wished he could stand up for himself but it was partly his fault. It was always his fault._

_“After all he has done, letting the accident happen, then he relied on you so much that you had to do so much for yourself and him and what? What have you got from all of this, Baekhyun, what? I never asked my son to—“_

_“Mom, can you not? I’m okay, alright? Didn’t I make it clear the last time we met?” Baekhyun straightened his seat, not bearing to hear more. “Please, don’t bother yourself to visit me if you’re still being like this,” He heard a quiet whisper of Chanyeol calling his name, begging him, but he wouldn’t stop._

_“If you’re here just to throw fits to my husband, please leave, Mom. I don’t want to hear any malicious comments on Chanyeol for something he didn’t do. I fainted just because I didn’t pay attention to my own health and you’re blaming him for that?” He needed sleep, he needed his husband, but not this._

_“That is the point, Baekhyun! He couldn’t take care of you, his own husband,” Baekhyun could note resentment dripping in her slightly higher voice. “But really, it’s not surprising since he couldn’t even keep Sunhee safe.”_

_“Enough, Mom,” Baekhyun tried his best to suppress his voice as he glanced at Chanyeol that looked ghostly pale. He cringed. If he had not felt weak as a great headache hitting his insides, he would have had him in his arms. “I don’t want anything from you right now. You’ve seen me, so please leave.”_

_Chanyeol could feel those eyes again, piercing to his bones. He felt his breath quicken as bubbles of perspiration started forming at the back of his shirt, hands trembling even stronger at the mention of the same name he tried to get over with. It was the name of this one bubbly girl he swore he would love forever but failed. Like being hit by a ton of bricks, he just realized that the girl probably had the same place in her heart that she must have anguished over the great loss. Maybe he was the only one to blame._

_“Mother, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry...” He wasn’t brave enough to look into those eyes, but at least, she would know that he regretted what he did._

_“Chanyeol, babe, no, you—“ Then he turned to his mother, “Mom, leave when I’m still asking nicely. I don’t want to call security on you.”_

_His mother’s eyes widened, shock clearly written all over her face after hearing Baekhyun’s words. Her mouth opened and closed rapidly, seemingly wanting to say something, but she only narrowed her eyes, looking at Chanyeol’s crouching figure. Baekhyun was ready on his sitting position, grabbing around his IV pole when his mother’s voice snapped the silence._

_“I’m not going to see you again in such state again, Baekhyun. I won’t forgive him if I do someday.”_

_She left with the clack of her heels, paying him a defeated glance before excusing herself in rage. There was a sigh following the ringing of the hurried steps, the irritated huff and the slamming door. Chanyeol’s sense came back after a moment when he thought there was something blocking his respiratory tract. He rushed to Baekhyun’s side when the smaller was arranging his sitting and the bundle of the blanket of his. Baekhyun only squeezed his hand as he was slowly letting exhaustion take his body._

_It was one of the moments in his life where Chanyeol felt the most useless, but Baekhyun didn’t let him when Baekhyun murmured his name in his sleep._

_“Thank you for taking care of me, Yeol.” And with those words, he drifted off._

 

~~~~~

 

Baekhyun didn’t let go when an arm winded around his stomach to give him a deep inhale of his neck. A tickling sensation on the small surface of his sensitive skin made him chuckle, slightly pushing the other back by his bum, but fingers interlacing tightly to pull his stern chest against his back. He sighed, letting out a hum of content when he had both of the arms instead, keeping him relaxed with the amount of familiar scent hitting his nose. The whisk in his hand had been long forgotten when he felt his body spun around to face the owner of the arms, straining him to make dinner. His eyes met Chanyeol’s neck first before his chin was cupped by a soft pinch.

“You don’t need to make dinner today, I bought pizza for us.”

Baekhyun caught a glimpse of the pizza box on the table behind Chanyeol’s body before nodding his head with a smile. “I thought you were going to comment on my smell.”

He heard a chuckle coming out of those lips and a hand going up his spine to make him even closer. Baekhyun closed his eyes without command when those lips brushed his neck before taking a sniff. The hairs at the back of his nape stood out, his fingers tightened on the other’s arm.

“Right, you smell really good, B. But I should remind you first before you make something that might go to waste, shouldn’t I?” This time, he caught those lips spreading in a tight-lipped smile into his. A chuckle vibrated through his lips when a light moan escaped. Baekhyun shuddered when another hand of his husband crept under his shirt and went down rubbing his hip.

“I tried a new scent I bought yesterday. Thought you’d like it.” Baekhyun gave out a hum when his lungs were hit by the full force of his husband transferring his heat through their touching skin. And he always smelled good, despite just having gotten home. His hands crawled up the crumpled shirt to wrapping them around his neck, playing the small strands covering his nape.

“I like it, of course. You know I like everything on you. Though, I like your natural scent better.” Chanyeol winked at him and he laughed, pushing himself flush on the other due to the strong passion of teasing him.

“You know where to find the natural scent of me, Yeol.”

At this, Chanyeol laughed, so loud that his eye twitched in a way Baekhyun always found amusing. He almost forgot that this giant ball of his husband had a creeping hand constantly kneading on his hip and waist area, one cupping on his bum, seemingly trying to bring him to bed first thing after work, if not for the rambling sound of his stomach singing for food. Baekhyun looked at his sheepish expression when the sound emitted again.

“Can we continue this later? I’m very hungry, B.”

Baekhyun would want to tease Chanyeol further by the way he said he was hungry but he snickered instead, pulling him to the nearest stool where the pizza laid as their late meal. He opened the box lid and took a seat next to Chanyeol.

It was not after Chanyeol munched on his last bite of the second pizza did Baekhyun notice that Chanyeol constantly looked at him even after he said no to another slice of pizza.

“How was the meeting with Daejung today?”

The first time he visited the house alone, Chanyeol never asked. The latter knew, though, that he came over sometime and played with the kids, talked heart to heart with one of them. Baekhyun wanted to ask why he was curious this time –even though he remembered that he was going there this morning; he had told Chanyeol about his plan three days ago—but the excitement hit him harder by the thought that his husband might have started opening up.

“Daejung asked about you.” Baekhyun started, trying to find something change in those eyes, some sort of regret for asking, but he saw nothing but pure interest at the fact that the boy they had found admiration of, was also asking about him. He took Chanyeol’s unoccupied hand and continued, “He showed me a drawing of us three and Subin. When I asked, he said that we’re the kindest to him.”

“Can’t it be just the three of us in the picture?”

Chanyeol’s question perked every system’s in his body that he almost hurt his face for smiling too wide. Baekhyun heard a playful hiss when he squeezed the hand hard out of sheer delight before a thumb caressed his ear that sent tingles up his body. Before Baekhyun responded with anything, though, Chanyeol cleared his throat, flicking him on the ear with a fond gaze.

“You should stop being so cute, B. I just asked a question.” He laughed when Baekhyun shook his head.

“No, I mean, are you serious?”

Baekhyun was sure he heard it right, that Chanyeol wanted to have them in one picture, together with Daejung. He never said anything like this before, so Baekhyun was surprised and beyond elated that Chanyeol had really accepted that they were going to adopt a child, and Daejung had been at the top of the list. Besides, Daejung had exclaimed many times about his liking of him and Chanyeol. Whenever he played with the boy, he never failed to mention the tall Mr. Park in their conversation.

“I was going to ask what he asked about, but you seem like you want to jump out of your seat, huh?” Chanyeol teased him with a wiggle of his eyebrow. He failed to do it, though, but Baekhyun let him.

“He asked if you could come to see him someday. He—because I told him that you also like his presence so he would like you around, or maybe in our house...” He trailed off when Chanyeol widened his eyes, but he couldn’t tell if it was a good signal or not. He hesitated when Chanyeol said nothing. “You will, right, Yeol? I mean, you were serious when you said that, right?”

In one moment, Baekhyun felt like jumping on Chanyeol’s lap, showering the latter’s face with kisses for trying and taking this chance, but one moment felt like a strike of bitter truth when he saw those eyes filled with uncertainty. Chanyeol looked devastated when he realized he had just given him false home. Baekhyun was sure of it.

“B, I was meant to ask that, but not the final answer yet.”

Baekhyun felt a pinch in his heart as Chanyeol whispered his response. His heart was right; this wasn’t going to happen soon, he still had to come back and forth to _Diamond Bells_ if he wanted to see Daejung. Just when he thought Chanyeol had dismissed their talk due to his frustration and his dejected expression, Chanyeol reached his hands to his shoulders, shaking him in a firm hold. When their eyes met, Baekhyun saw him smile, something that he didn’t expect. Baekhyun, too, didn’t expect a kiss wherein followed sweet words breaking the silence, like a song in his ear.

“I want to see him, B. Let’s go see him this Saturday.”

 

~~~~~

 

Chanyeol had been thinking about visiting Daejung several times. His heart longed for it, a presence of a small little kid laughing at the mere sight of him as a father. Hearing stories from Baekhyun about his visit to the house, about Daejung and his obsession with his bunny plushie and one corgi that he claimed reminded the little boy of Mr. Byun so much. Maybe, when he finally came over to see how Daejung was doing, the shy little boy would gift him a plushie just like what he did to Baekhyun.

He really wanted to see him as his head also kept playing several of Daejung’s cute expression when he first-handedly touched the topic the boy liked the most and attended to his babbles on his lap when they talked about their favorite superhero characters. He surprised Baekhyun on that day, more than he surprised himself, when a very small boy –Daejung only reached his upper thigh- tugged at the rim of his shirt, gaining his full attention. Baekhyun was busy tending to each of the children commanding for a story to tell while this little boy, clutching very tightly at his bunny with a bended ear, was asking for his companion. The boy, hiding behind his short bangs, looked at him with a pout, and that was the time Chanyeol felt a splash of fresh breath. If someone could fall twice in a day for two different people, Chanyeol did.

So here he was pondering over what Baekhyun told him during his last visit.

_Daejung asked a lot about you. He said he really wanted to meet you. I don’t know if I should find this offensive, but I saw his face fall a little bit whenever he saw me coming alone. I think he’s attached to you so much._

The thoughts of Daejung running around their small house, Baekhyun or himself taking him to school, seeing him grow with his husband beside him had constantly come to his mind ever since. His parents, his friends, his closest colleagues had known about his plan, happy for his moving on – his husband had been there waiting for his utmost decision. There shouldn’t be something holding him back from proceeding with the adoption; his mind always talked to him everytime he stared at Baekhyun’s eyes pleading at him. But what could he do when the sole source of his breakdown was coming from his head as well, replaying the exact moment of one of his agonies.

Chanyeol had been trying to bury them, too, by engrossing himself in the good memories. He came home, kissed Baekhyun good night, enjoyed what his love had prepared, cuddled with him until morning came. That was one routine he wouldn’t ever wish to trade but something he yearned to make merrier.

So when the urge to see Daejung came on the surface, he let himself drown in Baekhyun’s tearful happiness. At least he wanted to try, and Baekhyun nodded at his wish. And that was one moment he would like to keep in his mind forever.

Chanyeol jolted off his small reverie when a call of his name penetrated through the keyhole of his room, along with two firm knocks. Before he called out to his guest, the door opened itself. Sehun walked in without being asked, taking a seat in front of his desk.

“You texted me, Chanyeol, you need something?”

He was fast in responding due to amount of skipping his heart made, “I’m meeting Daejung this Saturday.”

Sehun’s eyebrows furrowed at his exclamation before his expression softened. “It’s good, right? That’s one big step for you, Hyung.”

That wasn’t something Chanyeol expected Sehun would say to him. He wouldn’t lie that he wanted to put an end to this whole ordeal, hopefully have a child he could claim his at the end of this month, just like what he had predicted. But he couldn’t lie to himself either that he was merely crawling. He didn’t make any progress on his own. He even barely met the boy Baekhyun had put his whole heart to.

“But it will be just our second meeting while Baekhyun has, like, met him for more than six times? I know I screwed up, Sehun. I failed Baekhyun’s hope.”

His forehead formed a deep crease when Sehun shook his head, folding his leg over his other thigh and one elbow leaning on his desk. “Hyung, please, Baekhyun hyung understands you the most, did you forget? He wouldn’t have minded if you never said yes to the plan, I guess. He only wanted to give it a try, no, he wants you to try because he’ll always be with you.”

“I know, but—“

“You’re not alone in this, Hyung, you’re with Baekhyun Hyung and he’d gladly pull through everything as long as you’re together.” He nodded at his tight lipped expression, “If I think of this because it’s just so obvious, he would think of this, too, to pass through everything together.”

Chanyeol wanted to ask how Sehun knew all of this, but maybe he was the one too focused on his own fear that he forgot his one love felt nothing like he had thought. But, he still had doubt. “What if I failed again?”

“What?”

“As a parent?” He whispered. He truly was afraid.

“Have you ever failed as a parent?”

Chanyeol blinked his eyes at the question, sounding so strange in his ears. Nobody ever asked him this, but the answer was so obvious already, hanging at the edge of his memory as his biggest nightmare. Everybody knew why he failed that point, and Sehun must be one to understand the cause. The reason why he sought for one absolute remark coming from him, Chanyeol didn’t know, but found himself burnt in rage.

“Sehun, are you serious? I didn’t call you to offend me like this!”

He saw Sehun let out a sigh, then a click of the tongue. The younger shook his head annoyingly this time. “You don’t understand, do you? You didn’t fail, okay? Nobody said that you failed yourself as a parent. I only heard people calling you a good father until now. Even Sunhee...” Sehun looked hesitant for a moment, waiting for any unwelcome reactions out of him. But he continued even before he widened his eyes. “Sunhee would think you were the best parent, together with Baekhyun hyung, you were her best parents. There was nobody who loved her more than you did and she knew that. I know that, too.”

Sehun was his best friend in highschool, looking up to him with most respect when he was the only one who could make him join the basketball team until its final competition. Chanyeol was what Sehun considered as an older brother for even though he had an actual one at home, he never really paid him any attention. He knew Chanyeol like a good friend would, asking for help without hard feelings, providing him advices when he needed, and when he first acknowledged his feelings towards Baekhyun. Even after they became boyfriends, Sehun was there. It was what brought Sehun close to Baekhyun, too, making him attached to his husband when they enrolled to the same university and the same workplace, leaving Chanyeol alone with his new environment. Chanyeol was aware Sehun knew everything about Baekhyun, but he never expected the younger to raise his full concern that he was worth it as a parent, that he never failed.

“If you think that I don’t know what’s in your head, you’re wrong. I can read you, Hyung. You just need a little push so that you can let Daejung in your life.”

_Accept the past, my love, so you can open up._

“I know how Daejung likes you so much. Baekhyun told me almost everything.”

_Daejung likes you so, so much. I know you want him too._

“That’s why I said it’s such a big move for you. You want to meet Daejung, that’s huge, Hyung. The most important thing to do now is let yourself relax, keep reminding yourself that you were not at fault.”

_You need to forgive yourself, Yeol._

Chanyeol folded his arms when he felt Sehun’s stare bearing on him. There was no single word from him that he could deny. He was right, Baekhyun was right, too. But, what would Sunhee think about another child when she was not even there with them? What would Sunhee think of her parents adopting another child? Would she think of them replacing her? Would she like this?

“Sunhee would love you to move on, believe me, Hyung.”

Sehun’s answer made him startle. He didn’t realize that he let his mouth speak up his frustrations.

“Sunhee loved you and Baekhyun with her whole heart. She wanted nothing but your happiness when she left. Mourning for her was okay, but not so long. Moving on...” He shrugged his shoulders before releasing a deep sigh. “It doesn’t mean that you forget her but you let her go, let her be happy wherever she is. Letting go doesn’t mean that you want to replace her, either. It’s you knowing that she’ll always be here no matter how long she was gone. She won’t be replaced when Daejung comes.” He took his hand for a comfort, and Chanyeol relented. “You will just have two amazing children with whom you will share your love together.”

It was like a snap to his life turn when Sehun gave him a tap on his shoulder, standing up, smiling at him so widely. Sehun was someone who smiled the least but he was doing it to him, reassuring him in his own way. So when Sehun asked if he was ready to meet Daejung before he left, he nodded with a new spirit buzzing inside his body. From the corner of his eye, he caught two most important people in his life smiling from the corner of his table. He would want to add another one, and he would really do it.

 

~~~~~

 

_“Chanyeol...”_

_That voice sounded distant, but the warmth emitted through a soft touch at the corner of his eye said otherwise. There was, then, a warm breath hovering on his scrunched face, trying to soothe those creases and stubborn sweats dotting his forehead with his gentle hands. His body was shaken not long after, followed by a whisper of his name closer to his ear._

_“Yeol, love, wake up.”_

_He always sensed that voice, wherever he was, would leave him in peace; it would be there until he left his whole worries and distress behind at the back of his shadows, not to be remembered again. The images of a little girl with a dreadful and bloody face faded as a single gust of air against his cheek made him gained consciousness with a gasp of the little girl’s name, a name carved deeply in his bleeding heart._

_Chanyeol just realized he had been crying when the same touch brushed his eye and trailed down his cheek, bringing him into a sitting position. The halo of messy hair was the first thing he saw before those wet eyes focused on his, trying to look at his face. Those wobbling lips didn’t go unnoticed before a quiet sob slipped past that lovely mouth of the one he knew he treasured the most. Before he let anything escape through his parched throat, he felt a weight on his front and a gentle yet firm grip latching on his back._

_“Baby...”_

_“I’m here, Yeol, I’m here.”_

_Baekhyun knew, he always had. He didn’t need to tell him what he had been thinking, he had felt, he had been through, his husband knew. Chanyeol was never a person to be read easily but it happened like that when it came to Baekhyun. From the trembling of his body, fighting for his own tears to trickle down, and the desperate hold in his body, Chanyeol knew he had been there from the moment he trashed on his own, crying in his sleep at the distinct images of his daughter in his dream. Then it crashed him. He felt himself surrender to his own sorrow as a croak of his cry washed over his body._

_“Sunhee... Daddy is sorry, Sunhee, please forgive me.”_

_He whimpered to the chilly night and the clutch of his husband holding his limp body. Chanyeol felt the air in his lungs swallow out. He couldn’t feel his body at all, and every breath he took hurt his heart, his brain, even his cold hands which were trying to find something to guide him in the dark and failed. He cried, and cried, and cried, seeking for an ounce of forgiveness that could help him be in rest and sleep at night. He longed for it, craved for it. But he seemed like he was only reaching for nothing. Before a lullaby of his remedy hung in the air, playing it over and over again as the sound of an angel singing him heaven._

_It was Baekhyun, looking at him with a smile, brushing his hair back with so much love in his eyes, wiping his endless tears off his cheeks. Baekhyun was singing the one his mother used to hum when the sound of thunder was trying to peer through his room to calm him down. And he could hear Sunhee’s laugh in between._

_“B, I saw Sunhee. She was lying there and I couldn’t ask for help but she was smiling at me from above I—“_

_“Shh, Chanyeol, my love, Sunhee is in peace. She might be smiling at you right now, at me, at us.”_

_Chanyeol looked dazed in a moment before a lone tear was brushed off before it touched his chin “B, how—“ He choked back a sob. “How do you know?”_

_His husband smiled, and Chanyeol felt lightheaded because of how beautiful it was. “I do, and I know you know too.” His hand was placed on the other’s chest. “I know she can see us because she’s here, and she’s here too.” He would have laughed out loud due to the cheesiness his husband muttered if they were in a different situation, but he found it soothing when Baekhyun also placed his own smaller hand on top of his thundering heart._

_“But she was crying in my dream, B, she was in pain, and I couldn’t help her.” He still declined, trying to find a little of honesty a child would search in their parent’s eyes._

_“Accept the past, my love, so you can open up. It was your heart denying that she’s happy now, wherever she is. It was your dark side dragging you to a nightmare that was never there.” His lips moved to refute but Baekhyun beat him. “It was never your fault, Yeol, remember that. Sunhee would have never blamed you, if she were here, even.” Chanyeol felt his eyes water again. But he took a harsh breath instead. “Don’t ask because she was our angel. She’s always been. I know so well that she wouldn’t want to see you like this. Sunhee—our daughter and I always want you to be happy.”_

_The remnants of his nightmare were still vivid in his head, yet he knew he could fight them when he had his own husband here. His loveliest daughter, too, who was flashing him a smile when he finally closed his eyes and slept soundlessly that night. Baekhyun kept humming on his ear to will his nightmares away. He didn’t let Baekhyun’s hand go until he was woken up by a sweet kiss on his lips, sunshine greeting him morning. And somehow, he saw Sunhee’s smiling face when a streak of light made him open his eyes._

 

~~~~~

 

Baekhyun didn’t need to wait for Chanyeol to loosen his grip when the other released his hand as the bundle of cuteness ran towards his opened arms. He watched the little boy looking so small in the other’s embrace and his heart melted at the very sight. Subin gave him a small tap on his shoulder and nodded at the two figures on the floor. His smile got wider when Chanyeol paid him a soft stare as his arms encircled the small boy who was asking for a lift. Chanyeol complied without further ado, and another tap was a sign that the owner of the house would like them to bond together.

Daejung gave him a quick kiss on the cheek when he was about to pull him into his arms and finally led them to his special room after he realized that it was two of his favorite people visiting him this time, instead of only the smaller and more beautiful man he always addressed Baekhyun with. So the boy pulled Chanyeol by two of his big fingers and let him follow them both. Baekhyun laughed quietly at his energy of pulling the much bigger body towing behind him while his other hand was holding his bunny – Baekhyun learnt that its name was Rabbi and Daejung told him that it was one of his secrets he shouldn’t tell other people about.

“Daejungie, wait for Hyung!”

Chanyeol half-ran when that small hand slipped off his hold to open the door. The little body was jumping in delight as he waited for his two favorite people to step inside. Baekhyun could sense the joy radiating through those twinkling eyes, and he laughed as he pulled his husband to whisper on his ear. “Of course you’re too old to be called Hyung, Yeol.”

The other never lost his smile even after Daejung asked them to go sit with them, it only widened and Baekhyun didn’t know where his eyes had to zoom in. When Chanyeol and Daejung were sitting together, knees by knees though, was the moment Baekhyun picked as one picture he would like to keep.

“Mr. Park! Daejung-ie made Iron Man! And this is Mr. Park in Iron Man!”

Baekhyun could see Chanyeol was trying to keep up with the little man inside his arms, jumping and tugging on his shirt to get his full attention to the figure he drew as a welcome gift. But Baekhyun knew Chanyeol was beyond merry, finally meeting the one who saw him similar as his favorite superhero, and perhaps wanting that he could be his superhero. Chanyeol laughed he when finally had Daejung sit in between his folded thighs, and asked him to show what he had made while waiting for him to return.

“Who is this, Dae?” Chanyeol’s voice was even an octave higher and Baekhyun was more than amused hearing a pet name already given to the little man.

“Oh, Mr. Park! This is Mr. Byun!” Daejung gasped, not noticing the fake ignorance Chanyeol just made at the shorter stick man standing beside the taller and bigger shape with curly hair.

“Oh, really? I thought it was Mr. Iron Man’s husband.”

Baekhyun was trying to fight the heat of shame creeping up his ears when the small boy looked at him, giving him a genuine smile. “Ung! Daejungie know Mr. Byun and Mr. Park marry and want to take Daejungie there!”

The latter pointed at the little house in the same drawing that he called home. Chanyeol looked dazed at the innocence dripping out from the heart of the boy, but it was a pleasant surprise. His husband was looking at him, like asking for his approval, before leaning down to whisper on the small man’s ear.

“Here is home, Dae. Do you know that?”

Even though Chanyeol was whispering, he made sure that Baekhyun would hear it. He just wanted it to be more intimate because he leaned further down to look deeply at those eyes blinking up at him. Baekhyun scooted closer to the both of them only to have his own hand grabbed so gently by his husband. Chanyeol wasn’t looking at him, but he knew he was here to support whatever Daejung had to blurt out the next time.

“Yes! Home is with Mr. Byun and Mr. Park!” Then he turned his gaze to Baekhyun, “Yes?” He whispered the last part, unsure if he was right for answering at all. But the frown on his face quickly shifted to a crumpled expression as a series of gasps escaped his spreading mouth. “No, Mr. Park! It—Daejungie tickles!”

Those big hands started ghosting around the ribs, fingers dancing to high-pitched giggles and swings of small feet almost touching his chest. The small body nearly fell when he begged for mercy but they didn’t stop, only lurking further up near his armpits. The breathy chortles filled the room followed by a cry of help which only made Baekhyun laugh along with the two who were seemingly having their own world when the smaller began to start his payback when he found a big toe poking under the thigh he was laying on. Baekhyun moved closer to make sure that Daejung’s head didn’t hit the floor as his body tilted backward to avoid the tickles.

“Mr—stop—Daddy!”

Then those hands literally stopped, frozen still on top of crumpled of his shirt. Daejung looked unaware that he just made his tall companion shocked for the second time and he only seated himself next to Chanyeol and held onto his thigh, body shuddering for breath but face brighter than the sun. 

Chanyeol looked at him but Baekhyun didn’t find something unpleasant in those warm orbs, instead he hoisted Daejung up and brought the child to his arms. The little man nuzzled under his arms and mumbled something he didn’t catch. Chanyeol chuckled when he looked down at the bundle that looked like he could doze off in any minute. Maybe it was because of the earlier commotion, but Daejung took his hand to place it under his belly. This was new to Baekhyun, but he would want to know more about this boy.

“You two look good together.”

Baekhyun lifted his head, cradling Daejung that looked at him in daze. “You do, too. You’re his Daddy after all.”

It may sound like a tease, but it was in complete honesty which he only repeated after the sudden burst as the child voiced out his thought. Baekhyun expected Chanyeol to ask him how Daejung could call him like that, like it was natural, but he only looked at the child sleeping quietly. He only felt guilt of coming to Daejung at the hour that boy should be taking a nap –Chanyeol asked him several times that they could find another day since they were painting and rearranging Sunhee’s room, but he didn’t find any reasons to postpone their visit—but overall, it was a look a father gave to his son. 

“So what are you then, his Papa?”

Sunhee used to call him that.

“If you’re his Daddy, I’ll be his Papa.” _If you’re ready, I will be too_.

There was something Baekhyun couldn’t tell in his face, something like a doubt. It was not even there before but Chanyeol looked like he was trying not to. It was only a flash, though, before his expression softened at the look he threw at him.

“I would love to, B.”

Chanyeol sounded off, so Baekhyun expected the ‘but’ that was hanging at the end of his sentence. But nothing came, and Baekhyun thought he may have thought too much. Because Chanyeol took his hand and rubbed the skin in between his fingers. “Thank you, B.”

He didn’t give the answer Baekhyun had been waiting for more than a month as they said goodbye to the sleepy Daejung in Subin’s arms. Baekhyun was okay though; he was more than that when he knew Chanyeol was trying. It was like a promise sealed but unwritten when Chanyeol embraced the pouting boy for a long minute and kissed him on top of the head as the small boy clutched at his thigh. They looked a lot like a family dismissing the child on their first day of school, even more when Chanyeol told him that he would be here soon. “Wait for Daddy, Daejung-ie.”

 

~~~~~

 

Chanyeol hoped he had done the right thing. He had decided that he would like to visit Daejung sometime to get himself used to the feelings before he could come to the final ‘yes’. Most of the times, he felt like he had burdened the whole house for coming every weekend to pursue something that didn’t seem definite, yet. But Subin told them that the kids liked Baekhyun very much and that they found their home in him. Baekhyun was like a parent they looked up to, one who gave them presents on some occasions. Daejung, especially, always loved to see him around even though he didn’t know that he was still in an uncertain circumstance, which somehow didn’t do much difference. On the contrary, he and Baekhyun’s presence might be the changes in his life that he had wished for all this time.

Chanyeol hoped he had done the right thing to forget Sunhee to completely let Daejung in his life. He had engaged himself with Daejung all this time, talking about the little man in every possible situation he was with Baekhyun. He had transformed the once purple room to fit into some superhero stuff and more boyish color for the possibility of Daejung staying, hoping the little boy liked the bright blue color and the Iron Man figurine he had set up for the starter. He had kept all Sunhee’s albums and photographs at the very corner of her wardrobe and moved it to the storeroom along with her clothes and her toys.

Surprisingly, it was his idea to get everything ready for Daejung to move in. It may be his sole reason to answer Baekhyun’s longing for a kid, or maybe his own motivation to step ahead instead of looking behind. It was also because he had witnessed his husband look at him with much hope every time they visited and played with Daejung, sometimes a look of proudness that pulled him to move: initiating everything that was meant for Baekhyun’s wish, even if he had to crawl.

So here he was, lurking behind the shadow of Baekhyun presenting his back as he stepped into the comfort of their house. His eyes immediately zoomed in to the hunch of Baekhyun’s back and failed to question the lack of lights at this hour. His steps were sure but light, trying to not let his presence known. It was meant to be a surprise as this was one of the rare moments of him getting home before 6 in the afternoon. He expected a yelp of surprise or a sudden hug but not a face full of tears despite the smile.

“Baby, wh—“

“Chanyeol, love, come here.”

Baekhyun tapped the space beside him as he moved away, giving him room. Chanyeol only frowned, but not by the fact that Baekhyun was wiping his tears groggily, but by the thing he was holding on top of his lap. It was a picture of Sunhee in a studio, the latest of her existence framed just weeks before the accident.

What he saw was red, burning rage behind his eyes, as he snatched the frame away, ignoring the gasp of horror leave the other’s mouth.

“What is this Baekhyun? Are you playing with me? I put this away and locked this inside her shelf and you took this back?”

He felt hurt, betrayed, when he only saw that pure shock the other sported. Baekhyun can’t be this bold to show him the very thing he had hidden to bury the memories away. “Are you mocking me right now?”

Baekhyun was standing there, flabbergasted. “Yeol, what—what are you saying?”

His voice was just above a whisper but Chanyeol heard it clear, as a complete fake of worry. “This, Baekhyun, this! This is what I’m saying!” His face was just inches away from his frozen husband and he could see those eyes water again, but he didn’t care. He just wanted to scream right now as his heart burst in pain. “You’re showing me this—you, crying to Sunhee’s picture that I kept unseen while I’ve been trying to forget about this, about her! You kept saying to forget about her but you’re being like this right now?”

Those lips only closed and opened not knowing what to say, but those eyes judged him. It ticked something in Chanyeol when Baekhyun finally croaked something out while harshly brushing his wet eyes, but not what he wanted. “Give that back, Yeol.”

Baekhyun lunged at him that their chests almost touched. His hand swayed to the front to reach out the figure in his hands, but he put that away. “You answer me first, Baek. Why?”

“Why what, Yeol!?” He glared, not minding his voice anymore.

“This, Baek!” He held it up only to show it close to the other’s face. “You’re doing this when I’m still slowly fighting my own fear! This clearly just kept my fear in so I put this away!”

“Give it to me!”

Baekhyun didn’t budge at his position, forcing to grab the other side of the frame in his hold. Chanyeol reacted right when the other tugged at it, lifting his hand up. He realized Baekhyun was crying but he was seeing what he was trying to forget. Every stuff and picture of Sunhee only reminded him of that day; reminding him that he was there watching his own daughter fighting for her own breath, reminding him that he was worthy of all the blame and hate and Baekhyun shouldn’t be with him still. But it seemed like Baekhyun didn’t understand any of it and played with his breaking heart that couldn’t bear seeing a single material screaming his daughter’s name when he was on his journey of letting go, of forgetting.

He tugged at the frame a little harder only to have the other stubbornly pull it down. It didn’t get to his mind when his hand slipped open that Baekhyun was on the verge of his patience that he almost brought his body down along with the frame as if it was his last support. The frame flew out of his hand instead and hit the floor below. A shrill of glass cracking snapped him out of his outrage.

“B...”

“Shit, Chanyeol, you’re breaking it!” It was never lovely to see him curse, as he was one that rarely cursed even in his worst state, but Chanyeol saw it clear in his eyes as they opened up widely with clear distaste. “What are you doing, Chanyeol? Why are you being like this?” He screamed to his face, and Chanyeol found the rage back in his system.

“That should be my question, Baekhyun! Why are you being like this? You know that I hid all her frames on purpose but you’re here hugging that?” He flared up, didn’t know what to think.

Baekhyun slapped him on the chest, panting, red eyes glaring at him. “I was having a moment with Sunhee and you!” His hand lifted before his face, forefinger pointing. “You’re ruining it and talking nonsense and I don’t understand any of it? That’s why I’m being like this! I—“

“What? Wasn’t it clear already that I didn’t want to have anything with her stuff yet you’re getting some out and crying at them?” He gestured to the other frames and one cushion on the sofa as his eyes widened at the amount of it. Then he turned to his fuming husband, taking the finger down rather harshly. “You’re the very person to know that I’m trying to forget her yet you’re pulling this out?”

He could feel everything inside pumping out as boiling anger. He was angry, and he lashed it out on his husband. He may not realize what he had done to his heart that had been keeping everything inside, alone, because he was the one at the edge of every situation; he was still on the phase of forgetting when it suddenly came crashing down on him, he was still hanging on the decision to adopt another kid while Baekhyun was still waiting. Being the one who was expected to make some big changes made him pressured, and he had been thinking about that a lot. He knew Baekhyun must have realized what was in his head, but he was not sure when those eyes changed and judged his way of thinking, accusing him.

“You’re what? You—you’re trying to forget her? Is this what we call move on?” His voice made a buzz in his head, and he felt it got higher each time.

“You said let her go to make Daejung possible, Baek! You said that right to my face, did you forget?”

This completely made Baekhyun baffled, a flicker in his eyes not believing what he just heard. “I never said to forget her, Yeol, I said to move on, like what I kept reminding you! You—“ There was a lone tear flowing down to his chin, but he was too frustrated to wipe it. Then he heard a bitter laugh, and a choked sob, and a heavy exhale. “You had moved on, Yeol, I don’t know why it came back you.” He whispered.

Chanyeol didn’t know what came into him but he didn’t feel like trying to suppress his anger; he failed to notice the limp body of his husband begging him to stop. “Don’t you understand, B? Keeping her away from me, forgetting our memories, made me move on! This is how I’m coping with moving on, okay?”

His body shuddered as tears started pooling in his eyes. He felt his knees wobble at the spasming emotions, so he reached out to his husband’s shoulders, making him look at him, trying to keep standing upright on his own heels, because he felt like he was about to fall, and the world spinning behind his eyes just showed how much he had endured that he missed his daughter.

“I was trying to forget her but you made them come back, B!” He shook those sagged shoulders tight in his grip. He shouldn’t but he needed a leverage to withstand his body, his heart.

“I never told you to forget her, God damn it!” The curse again, indicating the madness he felt inside. Baekhyun once again wiped his cheeks without a care, hissing painfully as another tear rushed down.

Chanyeol didn’t know what he was searching for in the sea of his eyes, in this heat of situation that he had set off. But he kept looking, he kept questioning.

“But this made those nightmares came back, don’t you get it?” His hands hesitated on the other’s shoulders, loosening his grip just because he could see nothing in the moment Baekhyun sneered his way. The tears were too much in his eyes that they couldn’t collect them back in their place.

“I get it, Yeol, I get it. How many times should I tell you?” His husband was openly crying. He looked like a lost kid as he cradled his hands on his chest. Except those eyes were fierce looking at him. “But it’s not the right way to get this over with—oh my God, Yeol, I don’t understand—“

“Because I’m afraid okay? I’m afraid that I will fail again and what would that make me?”

“Do you think I’m not? I’m afraid, too!”

He didn’t expect the blow, nor did he believe what he just heard. Baekhyun was sobbing to his hands, shoulders shaking. The tears shining through his inner digits, the hiccups he was drawing, the mess of his hair, drove him a step closer to the man looking nothing but smaller than he already was. But once he got a hold of his arm, Baekhyun shrugged him off, pushing him away by his chest. Chanyeol stumbled behind with a shocked face, as he didn’t see it coming. And his husband didn’t even let him react.

“Do you think I’m not afraid?” He took a quivering breath, and Chanyeol was choking back a sob. “I’m so afraid, Yeol, yes, I am! I’m afraid that I can’t take care of Daejung, not enough for him but I’m willing to try again.” Baekhyun looked away to stifle his cry using his fist. Then their eyes finally met again, wet. “I want to have a kid again, you know? You must know that but you don’t know how to let go! You don’t know how to forgive yourself!”

Chanyeol counted numbers in his head, waiting, hoping this would end, that this was only a part of his nightmare flashing and mocking him when the image of their daughter was clearly plastered at the back of his mind. But the gagging of his painful cry, the shake of his own body clearly stated the truth that had been going before his eyes. He tried to quieten down his broken voice by hugging himself, eyes focusing on the crying Baekhyun kneeling on the floor, fishing up the figure of their little girl.

He felt alone, hopeless, but he knew Baekhyun was no different. They cried, cried and cried, but not holding onto each other, and that made something shatter inside him. His mind told him to crouch down, to the person hugging the frame with the crack of his temper, of his heart, but his body didn’t move a bit. He felt hollow. He felt angry at the world, at himself. He should never be angry at his husband, but he was.

In the middle of his gasp for breath and his last downfall and his back against the wall, Baekhyun walked up to him, still hugging the frame. In between his steps, his hands only tightened on their own, his tears fell without command. Those eyes used to beam love and much warmth, but Chanyeol only saw sorrow, black, cold.

“And you didn’t have to do this when it’s six days to Sunhee’s death.”

Chanyeol let another weep crashing down on him as he slipped down the floor.

 

~~~~~

 

_“Daddy, where is Papa?”_

_It was Friday and drizzling when Chanyeol took Sunhee to his parents’ house at the other side of the city. His mother had offered themselves to visit Sunhee and stay for a day but he reasoned that their daughter wanted to have a different environment for her holiday. There was a big lake next to his parents’ house and Sunhee loved being there, feeding fish and practice her ballet moves._

_“Daddy?”_

_Sunhee’s voice cut him out of his reverie when the car started again after buying some snacks down the road. That voice was ticked with much mope that Chanyeol laughed in his seat, one hand reaching to pinch at that cheek he always thought she might have inherited from Baekhyun. Which was not possible, of course, since they had her when she was already two years old. Yet her full cheeks were always glowing, eyes droopy but shining which reminded him so much of Baekhyun. But inside, she was more like her Daddy who was stubborn and sulky._

_“Didn’t he tell you, Sun? Papa has a tour with the children. And he cannot skip it.”_

_“Because the children love him so much.”_

_The look of admiration she had for her Papa brought his hand up further to play on her crown, swaying the tail a bit to earn a laugh from his daughter. It had always been a wonder to her that her Papa worked with children, teaching them and taking care of them at the same time, and coming to get her from a different school every weekday, the same love showed in his eyes. Chanyeol knew his 7-year-old daughter loved her Papa so much; besides she sometimes still needed her smaller father to sing her a lullaby or offer his fingers for her to fondle to sleep, Baekhyun was the one she mostly needed when she had problems with her friends and school. Chanyeol was too._

_“But I want Papa to come with us.”_

_She was pouting and Chanyeol had to squeeze her hand before having his car stop due to the red light. He faced his daughter as he put the car in neutral. “Hey, remember what Papa said?”_

_Her eyes rolled to the right and to the top of the car before meeting his, lips curling up slightly. “Papa will come over when he finishes the trip and he will bring me lots of chocolate.”_

_“Right, so Papa will still come, okay, Sun?”_

_What he got was an enthusiastic nod and a hum of a familiar song suddenly up on the radio. Chanyeol turned the volume up before he continued driving on the left side of the road. He was humming along with his daughter when the bridge part came and Sunhee sang it loudly. It was one of her favorite songs after all._

_After two red lights and finally on the highway to Gwangju city, the rain got harder. Chanyeol turned the heater on when Sunhee whined about the cold, zipping up the jacket he had prepared for her. The road was not that crowded that day, leaving him at average speed and the sound of wiper and radio on keeping him awake. Sunhee was still humming, playing with her bear-shaped bolster that she just picked up from the backseat. Then a shuffle of a plastic bag followed. Chanyeol looked at the rear-view mirror and chuckled when Sunhee seemed to have found her cup of milk._

_“Is it still warm?” Sunhee was back on her seat and nodded, trying to open the lid of Tupperware containing her milk._

_“It is, Daddy, but I cannot open it.” She swayed the cup almost close to his face before she realized she might break her Daddy’s concentration and lowered it down to his hand on the gear instead. She had both knees on top of her seat._

_“Okay, okay, Sun,” Chanyeol flashed her a small nod, “Can you grip the cup tightly so Daddy can open it for you?” His eyes stayed on the road, but he made sure that Sunhee had her own best position just not to make the milk spill all over the seat._

_“Here, Daddy.”_

_Sunhee thrusted the cup with both her hands, urging him to open the lid. Chanyeol glanced at the cup for a moment to know the position of it. His right hand hovered in the air before it touched the lid and opened it slowly. He balanced his left hand on the wheel when it finally opened. He didn’t get a chance to put the lid properly to make a turn due to the slow car in front of him. He threw the lid carelessly and grabbed the gearstick and moved it into the fourth, then the third gear. Chanyeol hummed a sorry when his daughter yelped._

_“Daddy, you dropped the lid.”_

_He smiled apologetically, having a glance at the bottom of the car. The purple lid was there by his foot pressing the gas pedal. He crouched down a bit but he felt the car accelerate by his movement so he moved back up. There was a car in front of his sight but it was around 100 meter ahead or more. Chanyeol was reaching down and down, but only had it moved further his foot that he almost stepped on it by the heel._

_“I can get if for you, Daddy.” He heard his daughter offer herself, but he only laughed her off._

_“That’s okay, baby, I can handle it.” He let out a grimace, though, when he lost a grip of the thin lid once again._

_Chanyeol pushed himself down after making sure that he had maintained the distance of his car and the car in front. He deemed it safe enough so he put his eyes on his feet for some seconds, letting out a sigh when he finally had it in his hand, while his other hand was kept unmoving on the wheel._

_Or so he thought._

_Because what he didn’t see was a big truck moving on his line, too slow on the pace, while he thought he had tucked the lid safely in his hand. The lid ended up dropped again when he tried to make a sudden turn to the left without seeing what was in front of it, slugging beside the truck._

_“DADDY!”_

_Chanyeol heard a shrill cry of his daughter and a voice of endless horn from behind before he felt himself float and saw black._

 

~~~~~

 

Baekhyun had looked at the calendar on top of his desk for the nth time already and sighed deeply for the similar amount of times. His face had not looked good since this morning and he knew the kids could see it through his bitter smile and his slump posture while languidly introducing them English this morning. Junmyeon was no exception.

Junmyeon eyed him carefully from the other class and greeted him with a hint of worry just before he started his class. Baekhyun never gave him a single hint of what had been happening in his house these days, but the older had probably guessed what made him down these several mornings.

The calendar had a green mark of Sunhee’s death on the 16 – which was two days from now—meaning that he and Chanyeol hadn’t exchanged words for four days and it was suffocating him. Perhaps, Baekhyun was not at fault; he wasn’t the one who started the sudden commotion that made him sleepless that day, leaving his husband in cold, avoiding him at night when Chanyeol showed his face that didn’t look bright either, straining a smile when he knew Baekhyun would keep himself from doing the same, or more.

Baekhyun knew he shouldn’t be selfish, but he honestly didn’t know where to start when Chanyeol was the one who always brought the apology around whenever they had quarrel. Even when Baekhyun was certain he was being too harsh or not good enough at being understanding, Chanyeol always moved first, without a single thought, asking for his hand and his forgiveness. Sometimes, he said sorry in his own way, but most of the time, Chanyeol would leave him full of smiles effortlessly by the end of the day.

These four days had had Baekhyun lost in thoughts by himself. Chanyeol was always in there and begging him to stop the cold war and at least greeted him at night, even though they still slept on the same bed and that Baekhyun still prepared his needs in the morning and after work. He really wanted to apologize, but the images of Chanyeol not being himself after the accident had plastered in his head, reminding him of how miserable Chanyeol had been, _they_ both had been. Especially when Chanyeol knew first-hand that he made it but not his daughter... Baekhyun swore he would do anything not to see his husband’s side ever again. The remorse in his eyes, the blame he put onto himself, the hollow of depression he gave off for the whole year. Baekhyun would rather wait for him to place his own situation first than weighing him down even more.

So he had been letting Chanyeol off himself to give him space he might needed. Although he couldn’t tell that he had done the right thing.

“Baekhyun, you’re spacing out again.”

His train of thought was interrupted by a sway of hand in front of his face and the concerned face of Junmyeon when he managed to focus his brain. Baekhyun tilted his head, questioning his intention with a tight-lipped smile.

“I think you need drink.” Junmyeon gestured a cold cola in his hand, handing it to him. Baekhyun grabbed it with a shrug. “You look...sad today, as the kids told me. And yes you look like you’d just lost millions of won, Baek.”

Baekhyun didn’t know if it was meant to make him laugh but he didn’t. He only gulped down not even half of the bottle and clicked his tongue. “I don’t know what’s gotten into me, Junnie, but I shouldn’t have showed it to the kids. They were all feeling down in the class and I feel sorry for them.”

It was what Baekhyun hated the most at work: the children could sense what he was feeling and it was such a big distraction for them. It left him in one displeasing situation.

“Are you going to come with us, Baek?” Junmyeon continued after a moment of silence hung heavily. “The teachers asked me to ask you if you could join us for lunch.” He looked at him expectantly, but quickly rebutted his own statement. “That’s okay if you want to go home early to settle yourself down, Baek.”

“Sorry, Junnie, I—“

“Even though Yeol won’t be at home until late afternoon, but you should really talk to him, okay?”

Baekhyun would have expected it, but his eyes still widened anyway, struck by the blunt notice by his friend. The mention of his husband made warmth spread throughout his body and soon it reached his eyes. Junmyeon’s expression changed to a deeper concern as he closed their gap to brush his cheek with his hand. He had cried and he had missed his husband but kept telling himself no, when the reality was he needed Chanyeol.

“He needs you, Baek, not your excuse of giving him space. It was his fault but he was just mad when he thought that he had been trying his best but you made him feel the most vulnerable. He was... he is sorry, Baek, but he doesn’t want to upset you more than this.”

His body was brought in Junmyeon’s embrace. “He was not at fault, Junnie, but I ignored him like a plague.” He admitted, blinking away another set of tears almost flowing down, aware that the kids might peer in and see him with wet eyes.

He heard Junmyeon chuckle from above him, squeezing him one more time before completely letting him go. “Sehun said he’s such a mess.”

Nodding, he let himself be read by the other. He knew because he was too. But here he was thinking that giving Chanyeol space was the best. Even Sehun and Junmyeon knew what should be done.

“Don’t you see I’m such a mess, too?” He gave out a dry chuckle, but Junmyeon’s gentle smile loosened him up a bit.

The older nodded at his watch, going to his own table to pick up his stuff. “I won’t say anything about this, because I know you will make everything up, won’t you?” Junmyeon didn’t wait for his response but he motioned as he continued, slinging the bag on his shoulder and striding outside with a skip.

“Thank you, Junnie, and to your boyfriend for being there for Chanyeol.”

Junmyeon saluted him with a smile. Just when his hand touched the doorknob, he looked at him through his shoulder. “Don’t forget to ask for a day’s leave for Sunhee, Baek.” He opened the door after he received a firm nod, but turned around to face him through the threshold. “And ask Yeol too. I believe he still wants to visit with you.”

 

~~~~~

 

Chanyeol thought he messed up, and he really did. Preparing documents to work on before a meeting, staying focused in his car, even remembering if he had had at least a snack for his stomach felt difficult to do. He did not overbear what had been weighing on his feelings, crippling under his skin and through the muddle of his brain, and he knew so well it was all because of what he did that night. That day, when Baekhyun merely wanted to remind him of her stilled, unchanged presence, desired to talk to him about the definition of sunshine called Park Sunhee, yet he made a big fuss instead.

It was not his heart controlling the situation, but his brain went cold when his eyes caught the very sight of her. Then he combusted, he blamed Baekhyun for bringing everything up, clear and maddening, to the back of his eyes. He failed to convey that Baekhyun’s action was what had become their habit before coming to the safe haven of their daughter. He failed to stop himself when those tears fell over the floor, even when his own was wetting his chin, wrecking his body as cold engulfed him in the most terrifying way.

He was terrified that he couldn’t embrace Daejung as he should. He was terrified he would forget Sunhee as time consumed his happiness with his husband and his son. He was terrified he would lose the love Baekhyun had provided him in whatever situation he was in, but not this time. He was terrified he would lose his apple for the second time. He was terrified to fail Daejung and the love of his life.

_Do you think I’m not? I’m afraid, too!_

And Baekhyun was too.

That fact had been on his mind lately, urging him to make a step forward and risk a chance. He would bleed for his husband if he wanted to. But the point was always been about them; them taking the risk with one another, them going through rains and rainbows together. It may not have come across his mind that Baekhyun fear of losing his soul too, repeating the same terror, blending in the depth of darkness. He was too engrossed in his own thoughts that he missed the support of his very own husband to face everything together. One of which was moving on, but not forgetting.

“Yeol...”

After the fifth day of their argument, Baekhyun was finally calling his name, nodding at him with a shy smile. The corner of his lips slightly curled up and Chanyeol found himself shudder when he felt he was thrown to the old days. Baekhyun he first knew was the one spluttering sparks out of his smiles, even his laughter contained the sun, his eyes brought him in complete silence, a struck of a cupid flying around directly hit him on every substance of his vein. Baekhyun greeted him with the same smile, skipping steps as he introduced himself to his blank face. It was the time he saw the center of his universe, and here he was, 14 years later, 9 years of marrying him, found the same meaning in the same person. Baekhyun was still the very person he felt in love with, no matter what had been in between.

“B...” There were so many things he wanted to ask him. There was too much distance that he wanted to close to taste those lips. But Baekhyun walked towards him and caressed his cheek.

“Have you had dinner, Yeol?”

Those seas of warmness were swimming with concern, and much love. Even though he could see the red on the rim of his eyes, natural droop of them made him look somehow sadder, the ghost of his tears between those lashes, under the dim of the room smelled mostly of his husband’s sole presence, Chanyeol could tell the beam of that face almost instantly. Baekhyun was worried about him, missing him, and Chanyeol was no better.

“Have you?” He asked instead, palming at his cheek. Baekhyun’s eyes closed on his hand’s command, leaning on the touch.

“I was waiting for you.” Baekhyun admitted in between the beat of his heart, the tick of the clock hanging above their heads. “I missed you, Yeol.” He stepped even closer, leaving the materials of their clothes brush. When Baekhyun reached up to his chest, placing his hand on top of it and asking for his affirmation, he didn’t even wait.

Chanyeol leaned down to catch those lips, the blasting of the flavor so familiar, blasting down his body just like the first time. It felt like coming back home, finding his answer, his remedy to every hassle coming to him. The warmness on his lips and the soft surface of his tongue pushed him to circle his arms around his husband, shivering when Baekhyun’s hands also found their places clutching on his shoulders. He could taste a hint of the green tea that Baekhyun frequented every afternoon, a mint of his breath hitting the depth of his mouth as a soft whine escaped those sinful, wet lips. Chanyeol let out his inner growl and dared his hands to knead on Baekhyun’s hips, bringing him flush onto his front.

“Yeol.” Chanyeol was too engaged in the feelings that he leaned even more when he lost the sugary touch of those lips. He opened his eyes and watched the other stilled in his arms, watching the flush and the wetness reaching his chin closely. “Aren’t you going to say something about my feelings?” Baekhyun whispered to his mouth.

He groaned at the cuteness that he restrained himself back from crushing his husband in his arms. He once again captured those lips before pulling away. “You know how much I can’t be away from you, B.”

That one smile Baekhyun flashed him was the last strike before he crashed their lips in a more demanding manner, more clouds of heaven surrounding his head. He heaved his smaller husband on the hips to have him hop onto his embrace, legs swaying and wrapping around his waist. Their mouths connected, their breaths mingled through the soft pants and the hands digging into his hair. A released hum of pleasure only made him bite softly on the lower lip, lapping at the surface to the corner of his open lips.

He felt one soft hand creep under his work shirt, reaching up to his tummy and his chest. The other hand brushed past the same material from behind, stroking his back up and down until his shirt was halfway lifted. The wire of those legs tightened when he laid the other down, softly. Chanyeol, on his knees, began to pepper that face with little kisses, hands beside the length of his shoulders, head buried deep on the crook of his neck. The hand scratching his hair moved a little bit south to the hem of his collar, to his upper button and slowly opened it one by one, eyes closing when savoring the contentment when Chanyeol, too, played with his twin nubs.

Baekhyun’s body shivered under him, touching him places before letting him off of his own shirt. He was back at bringing him down by the neck when his mouth never stopped working, leaving marks on the constellation of his moles. When he reached further down to nip at some spots he remembered by heart, Baekhyun’s leg flung over his shoulder, hands pulling at his hair ever so slowly as sighs of pleasure kept him moving.

“Chanyeollie...”

What he didn’t expect was the wobble of his voice, calling his name that he thought was out of stimulation. But the shaking under him told a different scenario to his head. He sat up on his heel, stopping his ministrations onto the body lying helplessly just for his eyes. His hands grazed on top of his tummy before finding the smaller hand and wiring their fingers together. A slight tug on his hand got him slide over Baekhyun’s body and finally met his eyes.

They were glistened with tears, and Chanyeol didn’t miss when a lone tear made its escape on the corner. Baekhyun’s hand was reaching to wipe his cheek but his lips moved faster and brushed the wetness off. Resting on his arm beside Baekhyun’s head, he put his focus on the sight in front of him. The halo of Baekhyun’s hair, his swollen lips, the movement of his chest up and down, the slight smile formed in his beautiful, beautiful face made Chanyeol dizzy that he blinked several times.

“Why are you crying, love?”

That one nickname was usually used by Baekhyun when talking to him, seducing him, everything. But Chanyeol felt Baekhyun deserved to be called that way for he had endless love for him; he was always deserved to be loved by him.

The latter let out a soft chuckle, placing his hand on his shoulder before stroking his arm in a slow motion. “You’re still looking at me like that, like we are about to make love for the first time.”

“I always make love to you like the first time, B.”

Baekhyun sniffed, throwing his head to the side to hide his face. “I’m old enough, Park Chanyeol, and not as desirable as I used to be.”

Chanyeol kissed his lips when those slightly formed a pout. He would do this every day, pleasing him, loving him, if he could. “You’re only 37, B, and you’re still the most desirable human being in my eyes.”

Baekhyun looked at him deeper, drawing him closer by his legs. “I thought you were still mad at me.” His facial expression suddenly turned serious and his hands started lurking around his shoulders before playing with his nape. “I missed you so bad, Yeol.”

Chanyeol didn’t think that his apology along with a proclamation of missing him through text would not be enough for his husband. He never thought that the silence from Baekhyun was a result of his insecurity and anxiety, that he cried alone just before he rushed back home for he was desperate to hear from him, and because he missed him so bad.

“I’m sorry, B, for these past days.” His other hand ruffled on that soft hair, and played on his ear. “I wasn’t thinking when I snapped at you, even broke Sunhee’s frame, I—“ He smiled when those lips touched the palm running on his cheek. “I forgot that we were used to doing such things before visiting her—“

“Tomorrow, Yeol.”

“Yes, tomorrow.” Baekhyun started to run his hand over his exposed back then tugged at his pants as his finger slipped in. “I was so determined to move on but I guess I was wrong for putting her aside, because I now realize that moving on is not forgetting her.”

“You told me everything in the text even though I knew it already.”

“Do you forgive me, B?”

Baekhyun’s smile blinded him for the time he couldn’t pinpoint in his head. And it had the same impact on his stomach, even after all these years waking up to him, coming back to his arms, and going through things with the same smile accompanying him, holding him back up when he fell. That smile led him to the vigorous amount of love he wished to overwhelm his smaller husband with, and beyond that the lust that suddenly peeked into his brain and smothered his mind just as quick. Even more when Baekhyun kissed him on his shoulder before licking his ear and breathing into his ear.

“I will always forgive you, Yeol. But you have to make love to me to make it up.”

And right he did, moving so swiftly to remove his own pants and find this yet another baffling feeling of having someone so alluring below him, so pale, so bare. He was also quick to find the lube they stored in the nightstand, prepare his husband and make sure he was consumed by his kisses when he penetrated his heat. They moved in one rhythm, Chanyeol pushing forward while Baekhyun meeting him halfway. Kisses were exchanged, air seized desperately, wet eyes begging him. His name was moaned as he hit his deepest spot to make him convulse, ragged breaths following the shake of his body, reaching the highest gratification of this joint. Until he felt was brought to the same peak that he felt those nails make crescents visible on his back, his titillating noises ringing in his ears until he was back to the body beneath him, sated and beautiful.

_I love you._

Chanyeol didn’t get to say those words, though, but he made sure he offered his deep affection through his touches and the last kiss on his forehead, lulling himself to sleep by the gentle hair that tickled his chin.

 

~~~~~

 

Baekhyun never cried when seeing that tomb before, but he did. It was their third time visiting their daughter but the memories went livelier the closer he got, creating a pool of crystal blurring his vision and rendering him noiseless under the wind in his hair. Chanyeol’s hand tightened in his hold and he squeezed back, providing support through the tip of his thumb.

The fading color of their smiling daughter on top of the rock made him shudder, so he stepped closer to the bigger body beside him. It was the time that he realized his husband was shaking, shivering under the cold, behind the umbrella he put lower covering their shoulders. It was either foggy or raining whenever they were here, and it was both this time, like nature was putting its wings on their backs to support their falls.

“Hey, Sun...”

Chanyeol’s favorite nick name of their daughter answered to the hollow of the afternoon and the rains hitting their shoes. Baekhyun expected a quiver in his voice but Chanyeol sounded strong, even a bit bright. He turned his head to watch what was in Chanyeol’s expression but he felt an arm wrapping around his waist instead, generating his natural heat and a surprised gasp when he received a smile in return. Chanyeol’s eyes lingered on his for a moment and although he was relishing the wind hitting his face, his body surged with full bloomed warmth as his husband left no space in between them and their coats. Then he turned his attention back on the picture, hand finding his inside the pocket.

“It’s been a year since the last time we met, just like the previous two years.” Chanyeol smiled lovingly at the ground, as if talking to someone who was not mingling with the soil underneath. He glanced at him before continuing. “I miss you so much, your Papa too.”

There were no tears in his eyes, no sorrow, only a smile forming a dimple and a crinkle on the corner of his eye, even more when he knew Chanyeol caught him smiling at him too. The shiver running down his spine formed into a source of heat in his body as he could feel Chanyeol’s heart beat lazily on the back of his arm.

“We’re here to tell you that you’re going to have a baby brother, Sun.” Between the slight stir in his voice, and the thumping air making a melody, he could hear the laughter from within his head, selected by each space of his memories, louder when it collected many. Baekhyun let his husband keep on his speech, also tucking his hand around his husband.

“His name is Daejung, Sun. He’s so bright just like you were.” Baekhyun noticed Chanyeol had always addressed Sunhee as a person who was still here with them, but not today. “He’s very cute too! You’d like him if you were here, Sun.” Baekhyun only smiled wider. “The funny thing is, even though it’s not possible, he looks like Papa so much that I got jealous.” He chuckled. “But really, you also looked a lot like me back then, right, Sun? And—ah of course, we will bring Daejung here some time, and maybe we will visit you more often, okay?”

There was a harsh blow against the black umbrella that Chanyeol almost lost his grip but it may be Sunhee laughing with them. Baekhyun pinched him playfully under his rib and a yelp of his husband was followed a kiss so slow on his forehead.

“Can we meet Daejung after this?”

After some other small talks to their daughter, rustles of leaves and time consuming their laughter chasing away the drizzle and the dark clouds, Chanyeol whispered right to his ear, asking for the most obvious to his still stunned mind. His husband looked radiant with that smile he wore when he was on top of everything, talking to the grave with no remorse nor tears in his face. Even when he tasted the name of their daughter on his tongue, Chanyeol cradled his cheek before placing a kiss on top of his burning skin, cracking out a laugh, telling him that he loved him and Sunhee felt the same. He returned the favor by brushing his lips on his upper neck, telling him he was such a great father Sunhee was proud of, and Daejung would too.

“Of course, love, Daejung would be very happy to see you.”

“Us, B, it will be the both of us he would love to see around...or have.” Chanyeol’s voice lowered at the end of his declaration but Baekhyun didn’t see any hesitation in his eyes, even a slight falter, a hint of doubt. What painted there was his determination to bring Daejung home, just like what he clarified this morning, after making sure he was forgiven –Chanyeol didn’t need to, though, he had been forgiven long even before he finally manned up and brought him to the highest blue the night before, fluttering his insides with his whole body and his sweet words even in the early morning.

“You meant that we’re going to be his parents soon? Because you clearly said that you want to have him around soon, Yeol.” He stopped Chanyeol’s movement to start the car once they decided to call it a day, presenting Sunhee’s place a beautiful bouquet of white roses on top of her name and kiss her goodbye through the air.

Chanyeol didn’t say anything but held his hand after nudging him to fasten his seatbelt. His lips formed a slight pout when he only had his hand held back, forcing his body to turn towards the other.

“You know me, B, you don’t need to ask.” And a kiss on the corner of his lips.

 

~~~~~

 

_“I want three kids, Yeol. How does that sound?”_

_It was not the first time Baekhyun brought the topic up, looking at him with pure curiosity, somehow leaning to the idea that Chanyeol wanted what he had desired so that they could create their own dream on one same path. Chanyeol never denied, yet bluntly agreed to the questions Baekhyun hinted about their kids. It didn’t mean that Chanyeol didn’t want to, when in fact, he had visualised several scenarios in his head where Baekhyun and a pair of twins and two sons were in the picture. He was just afraid he couldn’t be like Baekhyun who worked magic with children, which he believed would be loved more if it was his own child._

_“B, of course I do, but I don’t think—“_

_“No buts, I know you will make a great parent.” Baekhyun took his hand and placed it on top of his tummy before playing on his fingers, nibbling on his thumb and when he seemed to find his best position, he leaned back against Chanyeol’s chest. Baekhyun turned his head this time, pressing a kiss on the neck above his head then seeing Chanyeol’s face urging him to go explain his previous statement. “My intuition told me that you’d be a great father, the greatest if possible, to our future kids. Or do you prefer dogs?”_

_“I want both.” He asserted without a beat. He honestly did. “Why not having both if they can complete our list of family?”_

_Baekhyun snorted, “So you have your own list that you didn’t tell me?”_

_Chanyeol shrugged the other off by pinching his lovely button nose only to gain a playful smack on the arm. His hands found their way further down the sweater’s material, and crossed. His knees were straightened on each side of Baekhyun’s waist before pulling the smaller one a bit upright, make them settle and snuggly on top of the sofa. It was supposed to arrive after their marriage - which would take place in three months and a half, but he bought it to equip their plain living room as well as Baekhyun’s present along with the promised ring he had prepared long before._

_“It’s not what I’m worried about, B.” Suddenly, Chanyeol felt he had to talk about this too. He just didn’t want Baekhyun to have a second thought. “It’s your mom.”_

_They would get married but Baekhyun’s mother still opposed to his kindness._

_“My mom?” He whipped his head so quick it almost hit Chanyeol’s chin. He sighed at the nod Chanyeol flashed at him and kneeled in front of the taller, ruffling his head not so gently. “Yeol, I’ve always lost count on how many times you mentioned my mom.” He shook his head, clicking his tongue as Chanyeol kept mum. “You’re marrying me, not my mom, okay? I don’t need her unreasonable saying when she doesn’t even know how amazing you are, how best you are for me. I want to marry you, spend my life with you, have kids with you, make love to you every time you ask, Yeol, I want to do what you like to do, share my fears and dreams with you. Isn’t that not enough?”_

_Seeing Baekhyun like this, proclaiming his love for him, insisting on living his life only with him, always made him fall harder than the last time. Not even the world could separate them, Baekhyun had ever told him, trailing a tattoo of a wing adorning his upper arm and kissing one on top of his shoulder –he already erased some and planned to work on the rest due to his own promise to marry Baekhyun, though his smaller boyfriend strongly declined. Even if they came from different backgrounds, different status, their hearts had found each other. And Baekhyun had chosen to be with him, with the freedom he had become, to be stronger than ever, not remaining as a puppet his mother could control everywhere._

_“I want to marry you and I have no doubt about it.” Baekhyun whispered when he got nothing. “You know what my mom said about her fear not wanting to marry me off with you?”_

_This was new, Chanyeol had never heard of other reasons Baekhyun’s mother kept flaunting off just because he had tattoos all over his body and liked to fight on the ring. He had changed though, since his heart started beating for Baekhyun only, but his mother never bought him._

_“No, what is it?”_

_Baekhyun ran his hand on his thigh, regret on his face. “She said that you would be harsh to me.” He faked a laugh, not believing what kind of images his mother had put inside his head. “She’s afraid that you’d hit me when you’re angry and not treat me right. Or even not being capable of feeding me, taking care of me or our kids.”_

_Chanyeol would never do that so he shook his head. “You know I’d never touch you unless you ask me to.”_

_He expected a naughty remark from Baekhyun but_ _the other only slumped his shoulders. “I know, Yeol, but she doesn’t and would never understand that what you’ve been doing to me is give me love, show me what life is. And I enjoy being with you.”_

_Chanyeol traced the softness of the other’s cheek with his thumb before pulling him flush to his front, gifting him one deep kiss on the lips, muffling a soft whine at the back of Baekhyun’s throat, and a squeeze on the nape. “I love you, B.” He looked straight into those droopy eyes when he let go. “So you’re ready to live with me, a rascal, and to wake up to my morning breath, my ugly laugh, my stamina on the bed...” He trailed off to tease Baekhyun who raised his brow._

_“Uh-uh, especially the last one, trust me.”_ _Baekhyun bent again to steal another kiss on their usual lazy Sunday morning._

_“Even when you have to be away from your mother, your closest friends, for choosing me?” Baekhyun never knew his real father, only the current ones that his mother liked to dump around. His friends that had been trying to match him up with other men on their class truly hated him._

_“They’re not my friends.” The smaller man nuzzled his mouth on the span of his neck, leaving a wet trail that made Chanyeol squirm and only pull his boyfriend harder. “And my only wish is to be with you, not anyone else.”_

_Chanyeol chuckled but his voice was cut when Baekhyun playfully bit him on his shoulder. “But you said you want three kids?”_

_“Yes, with them. But let me enjoy the time with you first.”_

_From now on, Chanyeol wouldn’t care. All that he cared for was Baekhyun by his side, supporting him, loving him. So complying with his demand to adopt three kids would not be a problem. They were going to be a pair of perfect husbands in their own home anyway. And Chanyeol, an idler, a brat, or whatever people called, was there to complete Baekhyun, a perfect employee, a real beauty, and showed him colors of the world. Byun Baekhyun’s once grey life had found its shades of perfection in the form of Park Chanyeol and so did he. Baekhyun loved him, and so did he._

 

~~~~~

 

Chanyeol kissed Daejung on the cheek when the little man beamed at him, asking him to clutch Rabbi with him in his embrace. Daejung looked healthy, and bright, and he resembled the sunrise peeking from above, radiating lights, as Baekhyun ruffled his hair and called him baby from beside them.

He had Daejung on his lap when Subin handed them some papers and gave them some words. They had experienced this before, but Chanyeol could feel the welcoming feelings of having a kid of his own surge in, and it was very pleasant, more when he could feel the person squirming and nodding and laughing when being asked.

Baekhyun’s smile looked different that day, so radiant, and he was blinded not just at the bright face, but also at the hand wrapping around his as Subin asked them some questions full of smiles. He was ready, yes, Subin asked him again, and he was so sure when staring at the depth of his husband’s eyes. Baekhyun made him sure, he made him the person he became, a husband, a father, and Chanyeol really wanted to kiss him when Baekhyun mouthed him an ‘I love you’ and paid another kiss on Daejung’s cheek before bringing him on his lap.

Subin didn’t need to show him the spot to sign that last paper as he hurriedly signed in without missing a beat, smiling widely, too wide, when she announced that Park Daejung was finally his and Baekhyun’s. The name Park Daejung instantly rolled out of his mouth and the latter called him back, whispering Daddy, bringing their huddle closer.

“Dae wants to go home now?” He turned to ask the small boy, the others watched closely, smiling at him.

The latter widened his eyes, seemingly acknowledging the meaning of his question, of his finger caressing his cheek, of the hoping gaze Baekhyun throwing at him as he leaned down, making them even look more beautiful together. He hugged Rabbi tighter and sneaked a peek through his lashes, his eyes assuring him of what he had just asked.

“Does Daejungie want to go home with Daddy and Papa now, hm?” Baekhyun came into the picture, stealing Daejung’s attention to him, and his, too, to stare at him from his crouching position. “And you can also bring Rabbi! We go home together, do you want it, baby?”

Even though Baekhyun was asking Daejung from behind, his eyes trailed over his face, his hand rested on his knee. Then Daejung nodded, jumping on Baekhyun’s lap and almost hitting his chin. “Daejungie want! Daejungie want to be with Daddy and Papa!”

Chanyeol felt like crying, hearing those words from his son, _their_ son. He didn’t wait for any other words exchanged as he enveloped those two, his family, his so called home. Baekhyun eased an arm around him, making Daejung engulfed by their bodies and the amount of love anyone couldn’t explain. Chanyeol looked through Daejung’s shoulder and met those eyes. He leaned forward to steal a kiss on his husband’s forehead and he knew he had fallen again. Baekhyun had made him fall so many times and this time he fell harder because Daejung was with them to stroke new words on their blank papers, to love and be loved, making him unable to go up.

When they left the room, Daejung gripped at both of his and Baekhyun’s fingers, jumping at his steps. Some of the kids took a peek at them, curious at the bags on their feet and somehow sad at Daejung’s small frame in the middle. Chanyeol waved at some of them, nodded at much older girls and boys that seemed to know more about the situation. One of the boys not bigger than Daejung walked to them with shy steps, and Chanyeol watched.

The boy blinked at him and Baekhyun alternately, eyes stilled for a moment at Baekhyun. His husband nudged Daejung forward as the boy tilted his head to Daejung that slowly let go of his clutch.

“Minki-ah!” He whispered, ushering his friend closer by the arm. He giggled when the other crushed at his smaller body, hugging him.

“Daejungie~” Chanyeol heard the other’s voice spring through Daejung’s neck. His ear perked at the softness it bore. This must be Daejung’s close friend that Baekhyun had told him about but never met during his visits before.

“Are you going?” His pout was obvious even without him looking at the scene before him, and Chanyeol held back a giggle when Daejung patted the top of his head. Beside him, Baekhyun watched them with a broad smile.

Their son nodded and Chanyeol felt proud already. “Yes, yes, with my Daddy and Papa.” He turned his head and took their hands again, introducing their parents to his friend. “This is Daddy, this is Papa, Minki-ah! But we will come again!”

In the car, Chanyeol couldn’t take his eyes off of two figures beside him until Baekhyun snapped him out of his long stare, making him let out a sheepish smile. Their son was loud and screamed that his Daddy seemed fazed when hearing his noises and Baekhyun teased him for being so smitten. It was true that he was indeed, for the both of them, that he couldn’t make himself function on his own.

Baekhyun was there before, alone, and then came Sunhee that made him perfect whenever he was around them. But God had a plan for him, for their little angel up above and in the heaven, so He took their lights away. But rainbow came after rain, sunshine emerged right after, brighter than before. His heart had been crushed before, into small pieces that he couldn’t patch up, but Baekhyun was steady in pulling him out, in offering his whole life to take those shards of his broken heart and lead him, love him, even until now in celebrating their sunshine that came into sight, to their embrace.

“Let’s go home?”

His husband grinned, relaying the same energy to the both of them. Daejung laughed again, kissing his cheek this time. His first kiss for his bigger father.

“Daddy, bring Daejungie home~!”

So Chanyeol did, with a smile on his face, with two pairs of hands to hold. And one ray of sun from above would never be forgotten.

 

~~~~~

 

The End

 

 

p.s. Junmyeon and Sehun are boyfriends, if you noticed LOL


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